Mama In Stilettos

Pug Catcher

10:00 this morning my doorbell rings.  

I glance at the door and see a figure standing outside on my steps.  I think “Ok, Fed Ex man, leave the package, because I so am not answering the door in my pajamas and ESPECIALLY not without makeup.”

He doesn’t leave.

Thank god Chris is home.  And he thinks nothing about answering the door in his boxers.  

Guess who?

DOG OFFICER.

Yup.  I was stunned myself.  Especially because we have taken many precautions with our dog because we know that she’s a reckless menace and is known to rile up 2 entire neighborhoods of dogs with her shenanigans.  

We installed an electric fence this past summer ( I know, I know...Sounds mean, BUT she was only shocked like 4 or 5 times before she learned..Oh wait, there was that time that Nicholas got ahold of the wireless remote...Sheesh..Now I feel like PETA should be called on me) The ONLY reason we had to install the fence is because our yard is impossible to fence in the physical fashion.  It’s a really weird shape and our yard overlaps with another neighbor’s...All THAT fun stuff. Anyways, Gracie has been safe and sound within the confines of our yard ever since.  But...With the lovely New England weather, the ground shifted and the electric fence shorted, making it unusable.  But, Gracie doesn’t know that! She’s actually been staying in the yard.

Until Kayla came to visit.  Kayla is our other dog.  Our “first born”.  But, alas, she is terrified to live with us now.  She hates Gracie because she is so hyper and the kids are too loud for her.  I really don’t blame her.  This morning I caught Nicholas pulling at her nipples.  

Anyways, Kayla is a “mosier”.  She mosies here and there...Waddling around, taking her time.  She knows no boundaries and thinks that everyone loves her, so everyone’s yard is HER yard.  

Backing up….DOG OFFICER.  He talks to Chris and informs him that a “neighbor” complained about “2 pugs” being in “his” yard and “going to the bathroom”.  The (as I like to refer to him) DOG CATCHER then hands Chris the leash laws and all that.  Chris explains the situation that we are dealing with and the DOG CATCHER is actually understanding and nice.  Luckily our dogs are all current with their shots are are registered with the town and all that.  We’re legit (which actually, isn’t typical of us...Usually we “forget” to do things like this….But we really ARE trying to be good citizens..) Anyhow, the DOG CATCHER leaves.

And I am WICKED MAD.

Who the heck called the freaking DOG CATCHER?!?!??! 

A COWARD that’s who….I mean really! If you have a problem? Please come to us like a REAL neighbor and TALK to us...Are we scary?..Wait..Don’t answer that...quite possibly we are as we lit off fireworks in our driveway last Fourth of July and next door neighbors got all in a tizzy.  Opening up his door and glaring.  And turing on his front light.  Geez.

So this is what I’m dealing with now.  I know that Gracie followed Kayla into someone else’s yard who is a coward to not come to us to tell us that they have a problem.  HECK! WE had NO IDEA they were out of the freaking YARD! ARGH!

And I have NO IDEA who called.  

So now? I’m a bit obsessed.  I’ve gotten just about nothing done today because I keep stopping by every one of my windows and throwing daggers out of my eyes and glaring at each house I can see.  I probably look like the crazy cat lady or something.  I’m the crazy pug lady.  

I had to roll the trash barrel out to the corner of the driveway.  First, I was looking for signs of poop outside of our yard, and second?  I was throwing as many dirty looks as possible to as many houses as possible.  I quite possibly looked a bit insane...Madly insane.  Hope it scared "him".  

I think I’ve narrowed it down to 2-3 houses as potential targets, although now? No one can be trusted.  And also? No more misses nice guy. I’ve NEVER called the cops on anyone for anything.  But now?  ALL BETS ARE OFF.  You’re doing work inside your house? You better have a permit.  You're burning brush? Better have a freaking permit.  Yelling? That’s domestic.  I’m calling the cops. 

You think dog poop in your yard is bad? What about a smoldering diaper on your porch?

Or fireworks at midnight? 

I never knew that 2 pugs could cause such havoc! 

Also...I'm taking suggestions on how to walk 2 pugs in Arctic New England with a 1 and 2 year old.  WITHOUT killing myself on the ice and snow or WITHOUT killing my children of frostbite.

Lip Laundry

Tell me how this is my fault:

Husband leaves an ENTIRE tin of Smith’s Minted Rosebud Salve (yes, I am aware that it is the BOMB diggity for winter lips..Especially in the Arctic Circle of New England) in his pants pocket.

He does not remove the tin before throwing the said pants down the laundry shoot.

Pants are washed and then (cringe) dried, therefore, unlocking the oily goodness of the salve ALL OVER AN ENTIRE LOAD OF LAUNDRY.  Darks, to be exact.

When I discovered the situation, I was, not mincing words, pissed.  I opened the clanging dryer to discover the top to the salve and just about threw it across the room.  I knew what had happened and I didn’t even want to see the casualties.  I pulled piece after piece of oily stained clothing out of the dryer all while cursing my husband for not taking the salve out of his pocket.  I mean, really.  How can you forget that an ENTIRE tin is in your pocket...These things are not small!

Anyways, Chris comes home and says (exactly): “Why didn’t you check the pockets?”

Whhhhhhhaaaaaat?

I am being blamed because I didn’t frisk the load of laundry?

Let me break it down.  I have exactly 35 (I timed it today) seconds to run downstairs, fight with the overflowing bin of dirty laundry, sort it (kinda), and throw a batch into the washing machine while throwing another batch into the dryer FROM the washer.  And I have to be sure NOT to throw ANY of my tops into the dryer or I will be saving them for my daughter’s Barbie dolls.  35 seconds.  You try it.  35 seconds is the magic time.  I can sneak away without limbs falling off the children or toys being thrown through my front window.  In 35 seconds they don’t notice I am gone.  36 seconds and all bets are off.  I may be walking into a small fire or may have to rescue someone from the toilet.  Or the dog may be suspended from the kitchen chandelier and the cat in the freezer.  Who knows what THEY are capable of….unattended for 36 seconds.

My solution? My husband is doing his own laundry.  He can frisk his own pants and take responsibility for his lip (minted rosebud) balm.  

Titanic FAIL

I'm so sorry...But I was laughing SO freaking HARD at this picture that I was crying..I HAD to share it....Look at the WHOLE picture.
see more pwn and owned pictures

Isn't It Ionic

"So, mom, I bought a new hairdryer at Costco this past weekend," I say.  "It's another ionic one.  It was only $30." 

"Costco has a lifetime warranty", Chris states (I dramatically ROLL my EYES.  He HARPS on this little perk from Costco quite possibly 3 times per week and insists that we look for EVERYTHING at Costco.  Looking for a watch? Check the Costco website to see if there are any you like.  Running shoes?  Check it out. UGH.)

"Anyhow, I also went to the salon this week and her hairdryer seemed to blow a lot more air.  I feel like I spend forever drying my hair everyday while the kids run the house!"  

Chris looks up at me.  I glance at him and continue.

"Well, my stylist says she can get me one of hers for like $130.  But it's salon quality!"  Did I mention that I am also HUGE into beauty tools?  I neglected to mention that I dropped almost $40 on a brush that is DA BOMB!  And also looks very professional.  It's oval and all futuristic.  "I'm thinking I want one of her hairdryers."

Chris jumps in.  "Is it ionic?"

I shake my head no.

"Well, you have to weigh it.  With the ionic dryer you get less frizz and shinier, smoother hair.  With the other one, you just get hot air."

My head involuntarily jumps back.  Shocked.

Honey?  I am so sorry that you know that.

Smattered

I LOVE SEPHORA...But I am thinking now that Sephora has a little "problem" with me.  You see?  Sephora ATTACKED me. With a vengeance.  Straight up gave me a smack down right there in the mall and I had to leave hanging my head in shame.  

So I spent a HUGE part of my Saturday night there last weekend.  And I was in my glory.  My eyes bright and taking in all of the bouncing colors and dancing people.  My friend had a complete makeover and I felt so elated at her new look that I looked past all of the bronzer the associate chose to cake on HIMself and celebrate.

After perusing my mecca for my fill, my friend and I began a mission to find her the perfect lipgloss.  Without that "lip plumper" that makes your lips feel like they've been pricked with novocane and then sucked into a Coke bottle.

I had a solution!

Let's try the Sephora Brand lipgloss!!!

We walk over to the display and I begin taking different colors out of their compartments and trying them on the back of my hand.  I did this again and again. IN THE NAME OF LIPGLOSS!

And you know what? We found a color that made Allison (my friend) look like the goddess that she is.

Mission Accomplished.

Or so I thought.

As I am in the "Cargo" section of Sephora I happen to look down at my pants and see THIS:

Do YOU KNOW what THIS IS?!?!?!?

It's FREAKING LIPSTICK!

But where in god's name did it come from?

Notice the GENIUS set up of the "Sephora Brand" section.  Lipstick on the BOTTOM row and lip gloss in the upper compartments.  What was I doing?? 

LEANING.

And KILLING some lipstick.

Totally their fault for their IDIOTIC display.  They're lucky I didn't take more casualties.

But my jeans?? Are permanently war painted.

And I will wear them proudly.  I earned that paint.

Tid Bit

Scene: My bedroom approximately 12:15am last night.  Middle of our Flu/Psych Ward Week.

Enter Chris

MamaInStilettos: Did you check on Nicholas?

Chris: Yeeeees.  And he wakes up and says "Gotta go potty, daddy."

MamaInStilettos: Did you take him?

Chris: Yes. And he hardly went! And then he said "Want new underwear on." 

MamaInStilettos: Yeah.  I don't think he even likes his Pull-Up wet at all anymore.  Did you change him?

Chris:  Mmmmm.hmmmmm..And then he sneezed right in my eye.

MamaInStilettos: I suggest you get the Lysol and spray it in the affected eye.  That kid is RIPE right now.  

Chris: <sigh> That's only something YOU would do.

MamaInStilettos: Yup.  And a little Lysol never hurt anyone's lungs yet either.

Quilted

I have been in this world where time does not exist.  It stands still and then speeds up and then days skip themselves out of the picture and then reappear again.  I never thought I would be here again.  This is how I felt after I brought home each of my kids from the hospital.  As close to insane as one can get.  But this time, of course, I am not "bringing home baby".  

I am dealing with the FLU.

And it has thrown my life into something I do not recognize.  And it's not even ME who has the flu (not yet, at least).  It's my kids.  My 2.5 year old has regressed in his potty training and I think my 1 year old has regressed back to her colic days.  It's like musical chairs in the middle of the night, except it's played with kids and beds.  One cries, tylenol cocktail is given and then they refuse to go back into their own beds.  Making mine the primary choice, and thus, spreading the demon germ into my bed.  This repeats itself I can't even tell you how many times a night the past week.  All I know is that one night? It was every hour.

**NOTE TO MY DOCTOR/NURSE friends: YES my kids got the "FLU SHOT".  It's a load of crap.  I know that many of you are thinking, " Yes, but they make a guess which kind will unload on the masses, and then vaccinate.  It's CRAP. Sorry...Maybe I'm just bitter because I have only slept a total of 8 hours in the past WEEK*** And, yes, I still love you all, but I am never getting or having my kids get the "FLU (bs) SHOT" again.  

Anyhow, since I am a germ-o-phobe I have been doing TONS of laundry...Meaning sheets are changed almost everyday.  Stuffed toys that are touched, are thrown into the sanitary cycle.  God, I love my washing machine and dryer.  Probably my favorite thing in the house, besides my bed.

So I was doing load after load when I realized "hey, why aren't these clothes/sheets drying??? Usually they're dry in a snap!"  But, of course, there was a war cry from upstairs and I had to put out the flames between the phlem dripping children.

Fast forward 2 hours.

"Hey! WHy the heck aren't these DRY!!!!!"  I got mad! No way was my dryer going to quit on me now.  Geez, I just had the washing machine repairman out here not that long ago and he called me pregnant..So help me god if that man comes back into my house for my dryer!

Hold on a second...

Lint trap.

This is what I found (sorry pics are grainy..took with my phone..no way I could haul out my camera at a time like this.)

This is a QUILT of lint. And it has LOFT..about 2 inches thick! omg.  I am so lucky I didn't have a fire (because I have been known to cause a few stirs in the fire-department)....

So I made the most of the situation:

 So Cambria now has a homemade quilt for her doll...How adorable!