Mama In Stilettos

Asthmar

So after many weeks and such of my 18 month old coughing, hacking, wheezing and altogether sounding like a 70 year old smoker..She has been diagnosed with asthma.

And we went through a 2.5 hour attack on Sunday night. It was hell.  An 18 months old coughing like she had emphysema for over 2 hours is not good for one's mood or complexion.  Did I feel bad for her? Yes.  My heart melted.  Was I pissed because my sleep was apparently not going to happen? Heck yes.  Why me? Why do these things happen to me? The other night I was dealing with a 3 year old with severe stomach cramps and poop coming out his booty like a freaking faucet. Yeah. Not going back to Friendlys anytime soon.  Certainly was NOT a friendly experience all around.

So I brought little Cam Bam to the doctors after her bout of NOT BEING ABLE TO BREATHE to the doctors and they hand me every contraption necessary.  Which I am familiar with because I, also, am plagued with the dreaded "ASTHMAR", as my friends lovingly call it..Oh great..Here comes ASTHMAR.  Kinda like we made asthma a person and gave him a personality.  "I can't laugh too hard right now...Asthmar is visiting."  Wow. That sounds like he's Hindu or something.  Anyhoo.

Right now I am a slave to the freaking nebulizer and the 4-7 treatments a day I have to administer to an 18 month old.  I repeat. An 18 month old.  Have you ever tried to administer a smoking pipe that makes a loud noise to an 18 month old? I didn't think so. It's like wearing open toed shoes (especially WHITE ones) in winter. It just isn't happening in my world. At least without a fight..And I am a bulldog.

Cambria is doing well with her treatments so far.  Tonight we did have to hold her down for a bit and blow the medicine in her face..I believe this is called a "shottie" in the drug world.  So, yes, I was giving "shotties" to my 18 month old. But the greatest is when she actually "smokes" the little "pipe".  Am I going to video it?? Heck yes! I could probably make a killing constructing my own antidrug commerical!

This is all a bit frustrating as she spits out ALL oral medication (yes...calling doctor tomorrow since she has had NO doses of the oral steriods..But her clothes?? They are probably growing bigger by the second with the amount she has spit out on them..hahaha)

And, yet another thing to add to Cam Bam's list o' drama.  She fell at the "Y" today and gave herself a big 'ol shiner.  Yup. No one knows how she did it.  She just fell into some book cases and out she came with a black eye.  She's a royal wreck if there ever was one.

But the worst?

Was when Chris walked in the door tonight and said:

"Hey crack baby! When you gonna smoke your crack pipe?"

Oh my Lord.  I REALLY hope the neighbors didn't hear that...ALthough with my luck and with the door wide open? The ENTIRE neighborhood heard.

Bring you Down to Chinatown

So I had quite the weekend.  So much so that I am still recovering.  Kids go down for a nap and so do I.  It's sad, really.  I used to be so full of energy and life.  Now? That I'm 30? I feel like an empty shell of which something has sucked the life out of me with a straw.  Maybe like one of those tropical drinks served in coconuts with the umbrellas? Except the coconut is empty and the umbrella is left at the bottom to rot. Yeah. That's exactly how I feel.

On Saturday I took a bus trip to NYC ( what's up NYC?!?)...Except that the bus left the parking lot at 7am.  And my friend picked me up at my house at 6am.  Which meant I was up at 5:30am.  I seriously do not think I have been up that early since my children were newborns.  And even then it was extremely painful and felt like a form of torture.  This is another reason why I will not be producing any more offspring. 
So here I was at this ungodly hour gulping down coffee as if my life depended on it. All I wanted was to zone out for a while on the bus and take my time waking up.  I take a while to actually mentally be on my game.  I really don't even know my name first thing in the mornings and I think I slur my speech for the first hour that I am awake.  So I sat in my seat with my coffee and english muffin and started to zone.
Don't you know that the woman running this bus trip wanted to play an effing GAME?!? In the morning?!?! Are you kidding me?!? And a raffle?!? I wanted to shoot someone.  And the game involved passing these freaking horses around the bus like we were simulating the Kentucky Derby. Yup.  Just wanted me and my coffee and my Ipod and I have horses in my hands. And a lady shouting over the loud speaker of the bus.  And the speaker kept screaming with feedback, so that was a bonus I didn't pay for.
So we arrive in NYC at about 10am (still pretty gosh darn early in my book) and my friend (BFF), Jill and I hit the pavement.  We grabbed breakfast and then made our way onto Fifth Avenue.  Also known as "Mama's Greatest Place on Earth"..Sephora, MAC, Aldo, Pucci, Coach, Tiffany, Cartier, And the list goes on and on.  My eyes glitter when I am on Fifth Ave and I think I may resemble something looking like a caged animal.  I also develop ADHD while on Fifth as my mind and body pull me in all sorts of directions at once..."Go into Coach! No! Wait! Make your way into Tiffanys! Oh! Look at Sephora and how beautiful it is! And OH MY GOD! There is Saks!" And so it goes with me and Fifth Ave.
Of course I HAD to travel into Saks and make my way to the 8th floor...The floor that holds all of my hopes and dreams.  All of my desires and all of my life's promise. The floor of DESIGNER SHOES.  And there they were all glinting and winking at me.  Calling my name and begging me to give them a home.  Christian Louboutin had a pair of high heeled docksiders that I just about FAINTED over and had to take a hit off of my inhaler just to touch them. They were the most adorable thing I have seen in a looooooong time.  Really?  The pics do not give them justice.  To see them in person is truly breathtaking. 
After Saks and after I regained my composure, we had lunch with my cousin, Jenna and had a blast at a Mexican joint down on Broadway.  It was a lunch of girl talk and giggling.  So wonderful to see her and she looked gorgeous as usual.  We told Jenna that we wanted to go into Chinatown to check out the "purses" and shopping .  She was down with helping us get there and helped us navigate the subway.  Now....First on the subway, I was paranoid about seeing rats because I had heard that the city is overrun with them.  So I was keeping my eyes peeled and was ready to scream and jump on a seat whether it be occupied or not to get away from the rat.  We all know how fond I am of anything to do with mice, or mouse-like creatures.  And second on the subway, anytime anyone coughed or sneezed my mind was screaming in alarm "SWINE FLU!!!!!!! SWINE FLU!!!!"  Even though I feel like I'm not afraid of the swine flu, one cannot ignore such things in confined spaces and when sharing the same air with people who may or may not Lysol their bodies.
Jill and I get to Chinatown and as soon as I step off the subway I have a man in my ear "You want Louis Vuitton? Chanel? Coach? Tiffany?" I turn in alarm. Whhhhhhhhhaaaaaat? Do I want them? YES! We continue to walk and these voices are in my ears from various people and little laminated pictures are shoved in my hands. "You want one of these? (pointing to the Louis Vuitton bags on the laminated page) I go and get it for you.." Oh man. This is perfect! People bringing stuff to me on the streets!
We wandered into a shop that was selling some odds and ends.  A man approached us and asked "You want to see Coach?" HECK YES! So we were lead to a back room.  I swear. A door opened up from NOWHERE after the man shouted something into his walkie talkie and pressed the doorbell.  All I could think was "OK..If I'm being sold into sex slavery...At least I will have a Coach purse." We went into a room that was FULL OF DESIGNER purses of every make, model and size.  I was in awe.  Of course they were fake, but they were still a sight..And, hey, no one has to know that it's not REAL..Right? Hey! We're in a recession! So we look around at the purses and then discover that we can bargain for the purses.  Hence NOT PAY FULL PRICE.  They say "You pay $60"  Ummmmm...no. I got that purse for $28 thank you.  I am the ultimate bargain shopper.  It's like I belong in Chinatown. 
I think we probably went in about 15 of these "secret rooms" and each one amazed me more.  Some we in basements..Some were in attics, some were in trap doors and still others were like magic.  They appeared out of nowhere.  And the police? We swarming everywhere.  Apparently it's illegal it SELL the fake purses, but legal to BUY the purses.  If you can figure that one out, let me know because I'm still reeling from it. Sometimes we had to wait inside one of the "rooms" until policec cleared the vacinity and then we were let out..Phew! Then I went into a "room" went out and then changed my mind and wanted a wallet I saw....I went to go back in "YOU NOT GO BACK IN THERE! POLICE THERE!" I turned and sure enough..There was a police car right in front of me as I was trying to bang down the "wall aka door" in front of me.  Boy.  I could have blown the whole covert operation with my wiley ways.
By the end of Chinatown, my senses were overwhelmed and my legs were killing me from huffing it in and out of all of the secret chambers and being all 007. Hey, I've always wanted to be a Bond girl.  And in the end, I scored some sweet deals and had an amazing day AWAY from the children.  I've never been away from them for an entire day, so this was a first and, I'll admit...I'll be looking forward to the next. Hey, a girl needs her time too..Right??  That and a pair of Christian Louboutins.

ps..DO NOT get me started about the bus ride back in which the most hideous movie was played at about 10,000 decibles.