Mama In Stilettos

Fumigating Yoga

I need to get myself a yoga mat.

Every time I am told to put my face even close to the mat all I can think of is :

"Oh my god.  Someone's bare feet have been right here.  And here I am sticking my face on the mat."
I cannot stand other people's feet. Period.  They completely gross me the heck out.

Or even worse?

Herpes.

Yup.

Happened to someone I know from a mat.

So last Friday when I went and the instructor told me to relax? All I could think of was "Why the heck didn't I bring my Clorox clean-up wipes and Lysol?"

Although I may have gotten a few stares as I fumigated a yoga mat while everyone practiced their breathing. AND of course there is the fact that everyone would be yoga-breathing in Lysol. 

I think I'll just take the plunge and buy a mat.

An Open (Preppy) Letter

Dear Deliciously Preppy Lady at the Park,

I found your adorable pink sandals (after much blood, sweat and many tears..but anyway).  Bonus? I got them for 40% off plus an additional 20% with my coupon and a $10 gift card.  Yep.  I paid $8.99..And you paid about $60..give or take...

Now my feet look just as delicious.

Now to find your oh-so-charming green polka dot skirt....Because I can't stop thinking about how CUTE it was with the pink flip flops.

But I will never wear white cashmere in summer.  I just think you had a fashion faux pas there..Didn't ya?  And pearls?  Not to the park..Or perhaps I'm just jealous.

Park Etiquette

What is it with me and kids throwing things at me?

Do I look like a big target or something??

Do I scream that I want thing hurled in my direction, because it certainly seems as though the children oblige with no problems.  And with incredible arms.

I was at the park this week with my kids and decided to take a minute to scope out the other mothers at the park while on the bench. Yes, one was actually wearing a green and white polka dotted skirt (which I loved with my preppy little heart) and a white three quarter length CASHMERE sweater.  How do I know it was cashmere? Because I KNOW my cashmere people.  She decided to wear pearls in her ears and around her neck and pink flip flops (which I wanted to steal off her manicured feet).  She also had perfected blown out hair and looked well rested.  So...I'm either thinking this woman has a full time nanny or she's on some heavy meds because she also was strolling a newborn around.  When I had kids that small I probably could have been found at the top of the jungle gym contemplating which bones would break if I jumped and if it would give me some "bed rest" time...And how much pain medication I would be given to drown out the circus haze of my house.

ANYWAYS.

I'm sitting on a bench not participating in any, what i would call, "park cliques"...Where I would have to talk to other mothers and be all doting on my kids.  No.  Momma needed to sit down and guzzle some Snapple while the children ran around like carnival monkeys.

So I'm sipping some Snapple..Checking some texts.

WHAM.

Oh my lord. Shock and pain.

I look to my right where the pain had just come from.  A pail on the ground and a BIG 6 or 7 year old girl running away.  She then turns around to glare at me. I look over my shoulder (that is throbbing). Surely this child is not glaring at me. Yup. Sure was.

I glare back. See? I learn things.  I will not me intimidated.  These children who throw things need to be glared at and not given excuses.  Ps.  What would her excuse be anyways?? "Oh! Her ponytail was too tight." BAH.

She then tilts her head towards me to give me a "mean face".  What do I do??

I look around quickly to see if her mother is watching, pull off my Chanel sunglasses and give her my meanest face EVER.

Don't think she'll be throwing pails at me too soon.