Mama In Stilettos

Wide Awake

I really need to get to bed earlier.  Although I'm not sure if that would work anyways because I am always reading past my bedtime and then kicking myself as I look at the clock as I turn out the light, knowing what is going to happen in the morning.  

I know that in the morning I will feel as though I need to sleep at least until noon, have a minimum of 5 cups of coffee and complete silence for a hour after I drag out of bed.  Unfortunately this will never happen in my life. Instead, my alarm goes off and my eyes feel like they are made of sandpaper and my body is made of lead.  If I can only get the motivation to put my feet on the floor and make it to the coffee maker, it's a good day.  If it's a bad day, I am falling asleep on the toilet as I pee and catching myself on the side of the sink before I fall to the floor.  

It was a bad morning this morning. Probably one of the worst.  I chugged two cups of coffee while staring into space. I couldn't even get the motivation to check my email or stare at the upcoming sales for Christmas on the flyers on my kitchen table. I was a robot making the kids breakfast, but managed to get my gym clothes on and teeth brushed as I convinced myself that I would "wake up" at the gym.  

I went through the routine of schlepping the kids downstairs to the car in the garage and opened the garage door.  Here's the thing. Our garage is completely broken and everything has to be done by hand except for when it initially opens up the first time in the morning..But after that? I have to back the car out of the garage, disengage the garage motor and close it by hand before jumping BACK INTO the car and on my merry way.  

But man oh man this morning. I opened the garage with the motor, backed the car out of the garage and went to get out of the car to close the garage by hand.  Too bad I left the car in DRIVE as I got out. OH MY GOSH the car was taking off into the garage WITHOUT ME IN IT.  I had to run along side of it for about 6 paces and jump back INTO the car, slam on the brake before it went THROUGH the garage WALL and managed to throw it in park. 

Initiate panic attack.

Now I was definitely awake.

Pacifying

Awhile ago I met a friend at my favorite Vietnamese restaurant.  If you didn't know already, I am OBSESSED with Vietnamese food.  At one point, not so long ago, I was driving 40 minutes round trip 3 times a week to indulge myself.  I get like that.

While I was waiting for my friend and relishing the complimentary tea, I looked over to see a family at a table nearby.  And I almost upchucked my tea.  Why would I want to upchuck the best tea in the world? Because there sitting at the table, appeared to be a child of at least 5 or 6 years of age with a full blown PACIFIER in his mouth.  It looked like the family was finished eating and there the kid was sucking away on a fire engine red pacifier.  How wrong it that?  It's just a step up from nursing! Not that I am against nursing at all in any way.  I think it's great, but not with a five or 6 year old who will REMEMBER nursing.  It freaks me out.  I couldn't help staring (and I certainly not the staring type.  Believe me, as a social worker, I have seen it all, but never a pacifier sucking 6 year old.)  Just think of the dental work ahead for this little boy! His teeth are going to stick out like Bugs Bunny!  But again, it's probably none of my business. Although it MAY be partly my business if I have to look at it when my glorious food arrives all I will be able to think of is this kid and his nipple sucking mouth.

Thank goodness they left before my food arrived. Or I may have insisted on take-out. 

Pirate Eye

OK. I am a pirate today.  Somehow I either have something in my eye or it's scratched.  Either way it's all puffy, red and watery.  So my answer?? I still have patches from my three year old's last "pirate themed" birthday party. 

I think I should sport one.  Hey. If can't wear my eye makeup..then I need to wear the patch.  Hey. I ALWAYS rock eye makeup. Why? Because I look like an 11 year old without it.  Even if I'm sick and coughing my lungs up and living in sweats (cute sweats..mind you) best believe that I will still be wearing my cream eyeshadow and eyeliner..And quite normally, mascara. 

So now that I can only wear eye makeup on one eye and look lopsided. I choose to play pirate for the day.

Wonder how they will respond at the restaurant I will be going to tonight with a friend.  Should I throw in the "pirate accent"?  And order rum at a Vietnamese restaurant? Yes? Done.

Pumpkin Head

So my youngest turned 2 years old this past weekend, and no, I didn't write an entry dedicated to her...But I will. I promise. When I get my NEW COMPUTER. Yes, this is HUGE news because I haven't had one in so effing long since my mini-me spilled my entire Snapple on my "motherboard".  Don't even get me started on the word "motherboard".  It tells so much about life in general.  Women hold the key to the universe. We are the "motherboards". That's all I'm sayin'. Why would tekkies choose to call the brains of a computer the "motherboard?"

So.....Last week I decided that I wanted to save myself a little money and dye my hair at home instead of dropping over a hundred dollars at the salon.  Why not? How hard can it be? My mother encouraged me to take a trip with her to the beauty supply store and I was so excited to dye my own hair! At my house! In half the time and a quarter of the money! 

Something screwed up. Or I screwed up or the DYE screwed up (I swear..It totally was the DYE) and I ended up with hair the color of a pumpkin.  Bright orange.  You know what I did? No. I didn't have the energy or will to dance it out.  So I cried.  And then I got so frickin' mad.  Shouldn't I know by now that I just shouldn't touch my hair?? Didn't I learn this in HIGH SCHOOL?? Word to the wise: NEVER try to DYE blond HAIR on your own. Just NEVER do it. EVER. The next day?  I had to work out looking like a leprechaun.  I felt like I should be handing out Lucky Charms at the door to the Y.  Or at least pouring bowls for my friends after a long and hard workout.

So while I was in the throws of what we'll call "pumpkin head" I went to my favorite hip hop class (which I OWN) and my friend goes "It not that bad, Mama". I was thinking "Are you kidding me?? I look like I have flames coming out from my head and you're telling me that I look ok? You LIE!" And then I looked at her hair.  Apparently she had tried to darken it and picked a color from the "color wheel".  RED LIGHT. NEVER pick from the COLOR WHEEL.  That means that the "colorist" has no effing clue what they are doing and are going to slop some junk on your head in hopes that it comes out the color that you pick from the "color wheel".  NEVER WORKS.  And my friend? Has a tinge of green to her hair. Nuff said. 

I got mine fixed...BUt I don't think she has any idea that her hair looks a bit like early spring grass.

Rotten Apples

Ya know? I don't have time for this huge looong post.

But I wanted to share about an experience I had this past weekend.

We took a family trip to a local apple orchard. Me, being the woman that I am, wore long pants (ok), long sleeved cardigan (preppy indulged) and boots.  The problem lies with the boots.  See? I normally don't go anywhere with my heels or stilettos.  So I think that that shouldn't exclude the apple orchard.

So my boots were oh-so-adorable and they were high heeled.

Ok. So it wasn't the greatest idea I ever had. 

Did you know that apple orchards aren't paved?  Did you know that they are full of rotting apples that smell like vinegar?  Did you know that they are full of rocks, holes and tree stumps?  The ground was so uneven I was having problems with my vertigo.

So the boots.  Not only were my ankles turning over every 5 seconds, but rotting apples were getting inside my boots and I was slipping on their remains every 3 feet.   

And my 22 month old daughter wanted to be held and carried while we were there. Impossible in 3 1/2 inch heels in the middle of a land mined orchard.  So I had a crying 1 year old..I was NOT in my element.  Is it wrong that I wanted this "family experience" to be over as soon as the tractor dropped us off at the orchard and as soon as I realized the ramifications of this whole "pick your own apples" thing. 

Normally I don't mind the whole "orchard experience" but this time I realized that usually I fake it.  I normally put up with it just so I can gorge myself on cider donuts and apple cider after the whole tractor blowing dirt in my face and slipping on rotten apples experience.  But this year? NO donuts for me? Why? Because now I am cursed with the whole gluten-free diet.  Again, I repeat. NO CIDER DONUTS.

No cider donuts means that it is no longer my responsibility to bring my family to "pick your own apples".  This will now fall under the husband's responsibilities while I read a book in an adirondack chair by the pond.  I'll take my apples from the grocery store or from the general store up at the orchard.  No more tractor rides for me.  I think I can live without a mask of dirt on my face or rotten apples in my boots. Thanks.

Park Etiquette

What is it with me and kids throwing things at me?

Do I look like a big target or something??

Do I scream that I want thing hurled in my direction, because it certainly seems as though the children oblige with no problems.  And with incredible arms.

I was at the park this week with my kids and decided to take a minute to scope out the other mothers at the park while on the bench. Yes, one was actually wearing a green and white polka dotted skirt (which I loved with my preppy little heart) and a white three quarter length CASHMERE sweater.  How do I know it was cashmere? Because I KNOW my cashmere people.  She decided to wear pearls in her ears and around her neck and pink flip flops (which I wanted to steal off her manicured feet).  She also had perfected blown out hair and looked well rested.  So...I'm either thinking this woman has a full time nanny or she's on some heavy meds because she also was strolling a newborn around.  When I had kids that small I probably could have been found at the top of the jungle gym contemplating which bones would break if I jumped and if it would give me some "bed rest" time...And how much pain medication I would be given to drown out the circus haze of my house.

ANYWAYS.

I'm sitting on a bench not participating in any, what i would call, "park cliques"...Where I would have to talk to other mothers and be all doting on my kids.  No.  Momma needed to sit down and guzzle some Snapple while the children ran around like carnival monkeys.

So I'm sipping some Snapple..Checking some texts.

WHAM.

Oh my lord. Shock and pain.

I look to my right where the pain had just come from.  A pail on the ground and a BIG 6 or 7 year old girl running away.  She then turns around to glare at me. I look over my shoulder (that is throbbing). Surely this child is not glaring at me. Yup. Sure was.

I glare back. See? I learn things.  I will not me intimidated.  These children who throw things need to be glared at and not given excuses.  Ps.  What would her excuse be anyways?? "Oh! Her ponytail was too tight." BAH.

She then tilts her head towards me to give me a "mean face".  What do I do??

I look around quickly to see if her mother is watching, pull off my Chanel sunglasses and give her my meanest face EVER.

Don't think she'll be throwing pails at me too soon.

Asthmar

So after many weeks and such of my 18 month old coughing, hacking, wheezing and altogether sounding like a 70 year old smoker..She has been diagnosed with asthma.

And we went through a 2.5 hour attack on Sunday night. It was hell.  An 18 months old coughing like she had emphysema for over 2 hours is not good for one's mood or complexion.  Did I feel bad for her? Yes.  My heart melted.  Was I pissed because my sleep was apparently not going to happen? Heck yes.  Why me? Why do these things happen to me? The other night I was dealing with a 3 year old with severe stomach cramps and poop coming out his booty like a freaking faucet. Yeah. Not going back to Friendlys anytime soon.  Certainly was NOT a friendly experience all around.

So I brought little Cam Bam to the doctors after her bout of NOT BEING ABLE TO BREATHE to the doctors and they hand me every contraption necessary.  Which I am familiar with because I, also, am plagued with the dreaded "ASTHMAR", as my friends lovingly call it..Oh great..Here comes ASTHMAR.  Kinda like we made asthma a person and gave him a personality.  "I can't laugh too hard right now...Asthmar is visiting."  Wow. That sounds like he's Hindu or something.  Anyhoo.

Right now I am a slave to the freaking nebulizer and the 4-7 treatments a day I have to administer to an 18 month old.  I repeat. An 18 month old.  Have you ever tried to administer a smoking pipe that makes a loud noise to an 18 month old? I didn't think so. It's like wearing open toed shoes (especially WHITE ones) in winter. It just isn't happening in my world. At least without a fight..And I am a bulldog.

Cambria is doing well with her treatments so far.  Tonight we did have to hold her down for a bit and blow the medicine in her face..I believe this is called a "shottie" in the drug world.  So, yes, I was giving "shotties" to my 18 month old. But the greatest is when she actually "smokes" the little "pipe".  Am I going to video it?? Heck yes! I could probably make a killing constructing my own antidrug commerical!

This is all a bit frustrating as she spits out ALL oral medication (yes...calling doctor tomorrow since she has had NO doses of the oral steriods..But her clothes?? They are probably growing bigger by the second with the amount she has spit out on them..hahaha)

And, yet another thing to add to Cam Bam's list o' drama.  She fell at the "Y" today and gave herself a big 'ol shiner.  Yup. No one knows how she did it.  She just fell into some book cases and out she came with a black eye.  She's a royal wreck if there ever was one.

But the worst?

Was when Chris walked in the door tonight and said:

"Hey crack baby! When you gonna smoke your crack pipe?"

Oh my Lord.  I REALLY hope the neighbors didn't hear that...ALthough with my luck and with the door wide open? The ENTIRE neighborhood heard.

Roid Rage

This, my, friends is a very HEATED argument over a pic one of my friends posted on her Facebook account.  This pic was a nice family picture at Easter.  The characters involved? Me (of course)..Walter (her ex-boyfriend for reasons you will very soon read) and Alicia, who, poor thing, doesn't get involved.

I include this on my personal space because I am deeply disturbed by this individual and his demented, narcisistic way of thinking.  It is exactly what is wrong with our male dominated society and what is wrong with self esteem problems.  He also demonstrates complete disrespect for me and my opinions.  He ego takes over the entire account, as does his need for complete control. 

What infuriates me is that these people exist and are giving others the idea that they don't have a place in society unless they are pursuing perfection, instead of embracing each other's flaws.  This is what makes us all unique and different.  Am I pursuing a healthy lifestyle? Yes. Am I pushing it on other people so I can feel validated? Absolutely not. Everyone has a right to their own decisions and everyone has a right to respect.

So this is what I say: Read the argument and weigh in.

And this argument is HEATED...Again HEATED. Read with caution...And hydrate appropriately.

 

 

 

Walter Santoni at 12:13pm April 20

awwww... how cute,I can tell you lost weight..... your sister looks nice too!

 Sarah Desrosiers-Norval at 1:24pm April 20

Who cares about your weight?!?!? You are HOTT no matter how you are..And,girl, you HOTT!

Walter Santoni at 4:44pm April 20

She cares about her weight, and her health...as everyone should !!!..... she is doing a show next year in April so we are keeping track......

 Sarah Desrosiers-Norval at 5:23pm April 20

The fact that you brought up her weight in a picture is so stereotypical. And feeds right into our society focusing on women and their image. Maybe it should be Alicia keeping track of her own health plan, as it is empowering. I should know. I am at the gym 6 days a week and it's people like you who infuriate me to no end.

Walter Santoni at 9:42am April 21

HEELOO I brought it up cuz she is doing a show,hheellooooo and me and Lou and helping her train. Obviously the image us healthy people are giving out is not working, if we are the most unhealthiest and fattest nation in the world...so its obviously not working... People like me? People like me are the ones that help motivate you and keep you in ... Read Moretrack, we are your inspiration...... so sweetie dont open you mouth without knowing whats going on... you didnt know she was doing a show and you didnt know that I am training her along with a friend.... and you girls say that im giving that bad image....im trying to give you life and health by teaching you how to love yourself, loving yourself first is the only way to learn how to love others

Walter Santoni at 9:43am April 21

sshhhhhh shhhhh not another word....thats a wrap, end of subject,,,shhhhh what did I say...shhhhhh LOL

Raza Sheikh at 10:02am April 21

did you get hurt? I don't think walter did

Raza Sheikh at 10:08am April 21

Walter you are inspiration to me and Alicia.. Did we tell you we love you? Thanks for keeping us on track :) I didn't want to jump in this mess but i wasn't going to let some ignorant people tag team you.. Oh and Alicia can't wait to see you Saturday sweetie. Hope your having a great day at work :P

Walter Santoni at 10:43am April 21

I dont mean to come like this sweetie, but ignorance makes me angry.... we are willing to tell people to stop drinking... Read More , to stop smoking, to stop doing drugs, but God forbid we tell someone to take care of their health, workout, and eat right.... no thats is just wrong, come on people...open your eyes.... sugar (carbs ) is a drug, when your body gets it , it wants more.... thats the craving you get, you have to control that and take charge of your life.. always make time for your health, your family and for God.

Walter Santoni at 11:05am April 21

I am very nice to her...she is a great friend , and I want her to take charge in this part of her life !

Walter Santoni at 12:53pm April 21

Im willing to help you to, con ese clase cuerpo que tenias.... so you can get it back.

 Sarah Desrosiers-Norval at 2:17pm April 21

This is exactly why you are her EX, Walter. Your MOUTH. And your UNHEALTHY obsession with your weight, looks and image. And what other people look like. It's sad, really. All you have is your obsession with the gym and working out. NOTHING UPSTAIRS. Alicia is a smart, extremely intelligent woman who can take charge of her own body. Good for her ... Read Morefor asking you for help since that's all you do. And making comments about me? Heck no. You don't even know me and what I'm about, sweetie. What do you have to show for your life, Walter? A few Spanish phrases and big muscles? Good for you, man. Good for you.

Patria Luciano-Nazario at 3:03pm April 21

That's right Raza ignorant and unhappy people!

 Sarah Desrosiers-Norval at 3:26pm April 21

I definitely wouldn't consider myself ignorant, if I am who you are speaking about. I do know what I am talking about when it comes to fitness. I spend 1.5 hours hard core in the gym 6 days a week and my husband has a degree in nutrition...So I definitely am not in the dark. Definitely not an expert, but I do care about my body. And unhappy?? ... Read MoreMaybe some days when I don't get enough sleep after chasing around my 1 year old and my 3 year old. BUt no, I am a happy and fulfilled person. What gets me upset is when people have only one mind set and are militant and hurt people in the process.

Walter Santoni at 3:57pm April 21

sweetie you really must have a problem with your weight if it hurst that bad, like they say the truth hurts.... obessed? sweetie this is my job, Im going for my PRO card this Nov...to be a Professional bodybuilder.. so its my Profession.....yeah you heard it , national this Nov... so I have plenty to show....and the money will pour down as a PRO... Read More...... thats what I have to show for it.... .you have to practice what you preach and you have to look the part...so you can have an many degrees but if you dont look that part your input has no merit...... because its about disipline you cant teach it if you dont practice it yourself...... You were the one that started talking without knowing what was going on..... so before you say something check your sources first....and know what you are talking about....

Walter Santoni at 4:17pm April 21

Raza tell her how much we are are going to make as Pro... more money she has seen all her life LOL ! magazine, movies, guest appearces. get a sponsor and travel all over the world... yes that the life of PRO sweetie... My little bro is going to be in musclemag this Nov..(big magazine), and I was offered a movie part.... hmmmm nothing to show for... Read More.... sweetie go back to your stressfull desk job and let us Future Pros have fun with life...dont worry we will have fun for you !

All I was doing was trying to help her to give her 10 + years of experince as a personal trainer and Nationally ranked bodybuilder. So how can you put me down when I am just trying to help...wow you are drepressed when you have nothing else to do than to talk about about a good guy that is helping her out for FREE when I would charge 40 dollars an hour.... this is done...try to reply if you can... but do you really have anything to say...lol naw I didnt think so.... LMAO

 Sarah Desrosiers-Norval at 4:22pm April 21

LOL...Yeah..So what you're going to be body building when you're 50,60,70? And a problem with my weight? omg. seriously. I don't think a size 2 is a problem. And sweetie? I was commenting about how Alicia looks great..You are the one who got nasty and started answering for her. I think it's great to be concerned with one's health and wellness, but ... Read Morethere is a line. You are just one of those bitter meat heads who have to lift weights because you can't handle anything else. Your brain is incapable.

 Sarah Desrosiers-Norval at 4:35pm April 21

Ummmm..Yeah. I'm done with you. You're ego is too big for any computer. And honey, I don't have to work because my husband is graduating a doctor. I don't have a desk job. I work when and with who I want to.
And Walter? I met you once and totally don't remember you ever being like this. Too bad you've changed.

Alicia Rodriguez at 5:13pm April 21

Wow is all I can say

Walter Santoni at 9:24pm April 21

again check your sources and do your homeworks, once we retired after 10 -15 years, we invest our money into our own supplement company or magazine.... all the supplement you see at the health stores, those companys are own by Pro bodybuilders honey.... do your homework... even become a promoter for shows, a judge or something of that nature and ... Read Moreyou still can makre a great great living doing something I love..... still traveling all over the world.... some have even gone in to doing movies full time... so there is alot alot of options once you retire...... anything else hun...come on give it up .... This is Walt you are messing with LMAO.... a nutritionist is not a doctor honey.........im actually in plans of doing that as well.... would like to open my own full gym for unscale and professional atheletes.....using my name as a Pro bodybuilder and nutritionist...but thats is when I retire

Walter Santoni at 9:26pm April 21

Alicia, you know ****** is doing that as well he is going back to school partime to be a nutritionist... while being a pro.... Are you coming to his show the NY PRO in NY May 16th... we will get back stage passes ....he is going to make splash his rookie year... the boy is already making over $200k in his first year ...wow

 Sarah Desrosiers-Norval at 10:17pm April 21

Ummm.never said a nutritionist was a doctor. My husband is a doctor who holds also a physical therapy degree and a business degree...as well as a nutrition degree. He works in partner with Gold's Gym..You've heard of them right? Yeah. thought so. You're an angry person, Walter. Riod rage, I suppose.

Walter Santoni at 10:21pm April 21

All natural honey, would never touch that stuff.....and I am very laid back guy...but when someone makes a comment that makes no sense because they dont know what I was reffering to when I was talking about alicia, then yes I get mad.... you had no idea I was helping her get ready,...but yet you had to say your piece.... good maybe one day he can work for me...lol

Walter Santoni at 10:25pm April 21

again next time think before you speak........im giving her motivation, making her diet plan, and workout plan...so you check pics to see the progress......from time to time... because pics dont lie....the scale does but pics do not.... so you are the one thats should feel bad for budding her nose in something that is not your business..... so yes I accept your apology LOL

 Sarah Desrosiers-Norval at 10:28pm April 21

And, you? Are NOT a laid back guy. Anyone who jumps down another woman's throat and has no problem insulting her is NOT laid back. You have no respect for women. I was saying something nice to Alicia and you got all heated. One shouldn't value her self worth on her looks. This results in a low self esteem and the rise of the male dominated ego.

Walter Santoni at 10:31pm April 21

no sweetie, I have my own clients, trying to start my own business right now......so no I work for myself...... read your first coment and you tell me who started this ......

 Sarah Desrosiers-Norval at 10:32pm April 21

budding? is that a word? Try using some real grammar. And I apologize for nothing. Your male ego is what is wrong with today's society and how women see themselves. So as far as you "helping" Alicia. She's doing all the work, baby. Not you.

 Sarah Desrosiers-Norval at 10:34pm April 21

I told her she was HOTT to be exact...One does not have to be a specific weight to be considered HOTT in my book. It's the total package. If you are in the best shape ever and have a bad attitude, then you will go nowhere.

 

 

****UPDATE:::Yes...This continues, but I will not bore you into reading more into an angry, rageful person..His inner workings are that of a stunted teenager as we all can bring ourselves back to high school and remember that jock in the middle of the cafeteria yucking it up with his groupies.  Where is that jock now, I ask? Yeah. He reached his peak..Or still has his head in the clouds with this deluded idea that he is still the greatest thing going.

*********I also appreciate all of your emails and letters of support and outrage.  I'm glad I've got my posse behind me. 

***But beware::::He just MAY BE lurking at a gym by you...Waiting to pounce with his bicepts that he so lovingly kisses each night to sleep.  Pick your trainers wisely..Someone who is uplifting to the mind, body AND soul.  And someone who is stable, please.

Open Eye Insert Fork

So..I have been thinking...Maybe I should throw in some more of "myself" into my blogging.  Yes, we all think it's freaking hilarious to hear about my experiences from day to day life (especially when I buy things from gay door-to-door salesmen) and hear about the foolishness that I get involved in.  But maybe I should be letting more people "into" my life.  I mean, that's what "blogging" is all about, right? Letting people into your world.  Giving them a glimpse of what your life is like and what your mind is thinking.  I feel as though I've kept the blogging to a surface level, meaning, I've told everyone about what actually goes on in my life and the situations and experiences that I have, but I really don't think I've let anyone really into my head or brought anyone to the level that may be more than superficial.  So I'm thinking I'll be switching things up now and then and writing posts that may be more on a "feeling level".  I think it may be more therapeutic for me and it's my blog, so..that's that.  But, for sure there's one thing: I will NEVER talk about anything political because I HATE POLITICS and anything to do with that crazy agenda.  I guess that more than not you can guess how someone stands by the way they write and how they feel, but let's leave it at that.  

So, on another level, we brought the kids to the "Y" today for a family swim and it was ridiculous how mortified I was.  I love the pool and all, but they have chairs all around the pool and there were people all sitting in those chairs just STARING into the water and looking at what's going on.  And, yes, I do have a low self-esteem when it comes to my body...What woman doesn't?  Especially when you KNOW you have not been working out, or taking care of your body, you FEEL self conscious through every pore of your body...Well, most women do, in my experience.  And in my professional experience, this is true.  Woman are certainly less gracious when it comes to looking at themselves in the mirror.  And, um, the bathing suit? Is of the devil.  It is a torture device for those over the age of, probably 25 or for those of us with the battle scars of children.  

Do I think I'm fat? No. I don't.  Do I think I'm out of shape and hear me thighs screaming at me and my rear doing a dance every step I take? YES. So there you go. One's own eyes are certainly unforgiving and walking into that pool with my rear facing all those chairs, I wanted to DIE.  On one hand, it is great motivation to be healthy and work hard and eat right.  On the other hand, it makes me so incredibly MAD that I feel this way.  Or that any woman should feel this way.  And acceptance is not coming soon as I see the new Armani ad with Victoria Beckham looking EXTREMELY hungry and despretely in need of nourishment, yet looking so incredibly elegant and defined that it is intriguing.  

So a goal for myself would be to be introspective and to be more positive about my image.  I need to look in the mirror and see the GOOD and not focus on the bad.  And THAT, my friends, is a challenge.  And I pass the challenge on to you, today.  And, for the love of god, DO NOT look at the Victoria Beckham ad unless you're prepared to want to stick a fork in your eye. 

Chemical Fires

Why do I always seem to be on the receiving end of bad customer service??

For example, I needed to call the doctor this week to push up an appointment due to some “complications”.

Ring...Ring….

“Hello..Dr..So-and-So’s office..”

“Yes, um, Hi.  This is Mamainstilettos and I need to change an appointment I have with the doctor?? I have one next month?  But I need to see him sooner…”

You see, this is the problem.  I have had a “skin issue” now for a few months.  I saw the good doctor a couple of months ago where he gave me some face wash to use in the mornings and some cream to use at night.  Seems innocent enough..Right?

Oh how WRONG.  I wash my face at night with my face wash and apply the prescription face cream.  2 minutes later I look in the mirror to see my skin turn an unusual shade of pink and my skin looks so foreignly matte.  Almost like wax. Yeah.  2 minutes later I look in the mirror and (OH MY GOD) my face is BURNING FURY RED.  And it looks as though it is pulsating.  And OH THE PAIN.  I barely can open my mouth as I run to the refridgerator to fill a glass of ice to hold it up to my (OH MY GOD) FIRE FACE.  And then my face swells.  I call it the nightly “chemical fire”.  I look forward to lighting my face up each and every night in the name of clear skin.

So then I wash my face in the morning with the “special wash” that takes away about 5 layers of skin with it.  Just rolls right off my face like Christmas wrapping paper coming off the roll on Christmas Eve.  It’s lovely.   I am fully exfoliated each day to the point where I emerge from the shower full-on GLOWING piglet pink.  I cannot touch my skin for approximately 10-15 minutes after a shower for fear that I may take off more skin and end up like Jeff Dunham’s character "Achmed".   Sometimes I look quickly around my bathroom and utter “I KILL you..” Just to practice.  

So BACK to the phone call:

“How long have you been doing you skin care regimine?”

“8 weeks.”

“8 WEEKS?  It takes a good 6 months before you see any results and your skin is going to get A LOT worse before it going to get ANY better,”  She starts saying SO rudely.

I get a bit amped, “So you’re telling me that there should be CHEMICAL FIRES on my FACE every night.”

“I’m sorry?”

“You’re telling me that my face should be so ON FIRE that I feel like I need to submerge it in the snow outside for relief, but instead I hold up a glass of ice to it every night??”  I ask.

“Ok. So that’s not so normal.  Let’s see if we can get you in to see the doctor sooner.”

“That’s all I’m asking,”  I say.