Mama In Stilettos

Bake Off!

So now everyone thinks that I can't cook.  I guess I carry that stigma ever since I set the kitchen on fire a while back. 

Well....I'm baaaaack.  I have to be because of this friggin' celiac sentence that I have been given.  What the heck?  Now I can't pull into Boston Market, order a chicken and side and say I cooked a home meal! Well, I actually could, but then I would spend the next several days in severe agony that I wouldn't wish upon my dog-catcher-calling neighbor ..Well, maybe he could handle that.  Wait a minute.  He deserves a little agony. Anyhoo,  I now have to cook in oder to maintain life inside my body.  Because I have now learned that we all need food to survive.  I tried eating rice noodles for several weeks...Then graduated to chicken and brown rice.  What became of this? SEVERE DEPRESSION where I wanted to shove cake in my mouth (but couldn't) and then wanted to inflict pain upon those who told me "Oh! Don't worry! This is the BEST time to be diagnosed with this! Like, there are SO many gluten free things right now!"  Yeah.  Did ya ever think about drive thru?  Did ya ever think about burgers and fries?  Did ya ever think about pizza? (although? just recently, I HAVE found the alma mater)..But still...Just picking up the phone and ordering something "take out".  Never gonna happen in my world except for like 1 restaurant 20 minutes away, thanks.

Anyways, so I have NO CHOICE but to cook dinners, treats, cakes and breads for myself.  Or risk hurting someone waiting in the drive thru line of the closest Wendys because of my bitterness.  Lucky for me my brother and sis-in-law bought me the ultimate cookbook  for non-cookers, such as myself.  Don't get me wrong, I used to enjoy cooking, but it took so darn LOOOONG.  I'm looking for instant gratification here...Not waiting 1.5 hours for a casserole to cook after it took me 45 minutes to put it together. All I got was a backache and a bad attitude from all that preparation and how it took 10 minutes for everyone to gorge themselves.  

So I just went waaay of subject.  Like if the subject was Massachusetts?  I'm in California..Well, maybe not that far. North Dakota or something.

So I made these FABULOUS cupcakes for my son's preschool Valentine's Day celebration:

Behold the artistry

 

Yes.  They were taken with my phone, so not so great pics...Hey, I was in the car!

I am pretty darn proud of these little delectable treats.  And, no, they are NOT gluten free.  Wanna know why?    Because I made a DELICIOUS chocolate cake (gluten free) with velvet frosting this past weekend that was probably the equivalent of eating a stick of butter when you ate a piece. And guess what?!?! There were LEFTOVERS.  Guess who was up in the middle of the night stuffing her face?  

For my other reason, my dad's birthday is this next weekend and I am making him his birthday cake (gluten free), so I am going to have to eat some (such a cross to bear, I know).  So my thought process behind the cupcakes and the remaining batter that I made into a cake?  Simple: I CAN'T EAT IT.  No getting up in the middle of the night to partake in soft billowy cakeness and buttery cream cheese frosting.  I'm CUT OFF.  I cut myself OFF. 

I'm genius.  

Only, I have to stare as my family eats the cake one piece at a time.  OH THE PAIN!

New Job!!!

I COMPLETELY forgot to tell everyone this:

I have been recruited by the New England Patriots....Which is why I have been so BUSY lately.  With all of the running through tires and pushups, I have been completely exhausted.  The GOOD news is that they are having a pink uniform made for me and that I will be able to run in shoes made to look like stilettos.  Needless to say, the Patriots are starving for some new publicity, and I am their newest goldmine.  Don't worry, New England.  I will make you proud.

 

And my dad is my biggest fan.  He's decided to take on the job as my personal water boy....Just as long as he also provides cupcakes for me on the sidelines, I'm good. 

Bunnies Bunnies Everywhere

So the saying goes something like this "They are multiplying like rabbits." Well, it seems in my house the saying is true (not counting the many stuffed animals collecting dust mites in my basement.)  These are "boo-boo babies.  Made to use when kids fall and get hurt, making the experience oh-so enjoyable. (If this were AT ALL possible..And who wants to get blood on this suckers anyways? I'm ready to use them as centerpieces!) Behold:

And yet again, behold (although I bought these on my own volition, possibly under the peer pressure of the "boo-boo bunnies")

  Maybe I'm on a "bunny kick"....And we ALL KNOW there are not little bunnies on the way.

Trail Mix Madness

I ate a half pound of trail mix today.  Body?  You've been warned.  Metabolism kick it..Overdrive time.  Bring out the big guns.  I'm not up for gaining the 5 pounds again.

Or maybe I should ration myself?  It's just a little hard when the freaking bag is SCREAMING my name from the pantry.  And whispering my name in the middle of the night. 

But I beat you last night trail mix. I didn't get up and listen to your beckoning.  Round one? Me.  Round two? Trail mix as I can still taste the dried mango.

Darn you Costco! You and your SUPER SIZED bag of DELICIOUS trail mix.

That's it.  No more buying it.  Oh geez.  But it even talks to me in Costco!  And the samples?? Win me over EVERY TIME. 

I know your game Costco.

An Open (Preppy) Letter

Dear Deliciously Preppy Lady at the Park,

I found your adorable pink sandals (after much blood, sweat and many tears..but anyway).  Bonus? I got them for 40% off plus an additional 20% with my coupon and a $10 gift card.  Yep.  I paid $8.99..And you paid about $60..give or take...

Now my feet look just as delicious.

Now to find your oh-so-charming green polka dot skirt....Because I can't stop thinking about how CUTE it was with the pink flip flops.

But I will never wear white cashmere in summer.  I just think you had a fashion faux pas there..Didn't ya?  And pearls?  Not to the park..Or perhaps I'm just jealous.

Partnership

So, Earlier this week, I announced that I would be incorporating some "new things" into my blog. Maybe some deeper things, maybe some things that spark discussion.

 This past fall, I had the opportunity to appear on the nationally syndicated talk show "The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet". It was a complete blast and an incredible opportunity that I will always remember. Why am I posting this now??

 As you all know, I have been going to the gym almost everyday my body allows and I have been meeting all kinds of mothers. Mothers who work full time, single mothers, mothers who work part time and mothers who stay at home. What bonds us? Is our children and our tie to our households. With my appearance on The Morning Show, I (tried to) debate an author who had the belief that a woman's role in the household was to satisy her husband. And I had SO MUCH to say about THAT..Yes?

 My belief is that a household is a shared responsibility..A give and take, if you will. It is about being able to be a strong woman on your own, and therefore, being a strong partner. A relationship is all about communication and respect. Being able to voice what you are feeling in a relationship is key to it being successful. If one feels as though there is no honesty? There can be no deep relationship. And my role as a wife? Is NOT to be used by my husband, but to be a friend and an equal partner. If I do the laundry do I expect my husband to take out the trash? Yep. If I bathe one kid do I expect that he bathe the other? Yep. And you know what? This gives my children the message that we are a team and that BOTH parents are in this relationship and can take part in the household. It gives my children the idea that a relationship is equal and loving. Loving?? Yes. Because when I have had a terrible day and have a headache? I can count on my husband to pull more onto his plate, even if he is exhausted too. Because he cares and he loves his family.

 And for you single mothers out there? I have a genuine love for you. I have been through a taste of what you go through, and, I have the utmost respect for you. Back not too long ago, my husband was leaving at 5am to go to school and returning at 8pm. I had a newborn and a 17 month old. Was is difficult?? Oh my gosh-one of the hardest times of my life.

 And for you working mothers who pack up the kids each and every day to go to work...I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I did it for a time and it was SO DIFFICULT. A struggle to get from one day to the next with all of the packing everything and getting the laundry done for everyone, and making sure we had groceries..It was purely exhausting, even with the help of a husband!!!!! And the weekends were a fury of errands and trying to get back on a schedule that didn't exist. 

So, I leave you with what happened on the show...Feel free to comment about ANYTHING and ask any questions!

Y-M-C-A

I was sick this past weekend, to the point where I simply could not get out of bed on Saturday.  So guess who was in charge of the kids? And no, it wasn't the dog.  It was Chris.  

2pm: Chris comes into the bedroom where I am asleep and delirious with fever. "I don't know what to do with them.  They are like crazed monkeys. INSANE. Listen to them!! They aren't even listening to me! I have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO!"  Through my achiness I grin. "You know what? I'm glad. GLAD you got to see first hand what I have been telling you for MONTHS.  They need SOMETHING to DO."

So we decided as a family (FINALLY!) that it would probably be a good idea to join the local YMCA.  It a brand spankin' new facility and it's beautiful and when I walked through the doors I wanted to sing.  You know why?? 

FREE CHILD CARE.

90 minutes max.

90 minutes?? Without my kids?? Per day? Where do I sign up?

I was more than pumped and think I lost 10 pounds just by jumping for joy and doing a celebratory jig around the facility.

I scrutinized the class schedule (I am a class person..I NEED someone to motivate me) and decided that I would kickbox a couple of times a week.  

I showed up on Monday after barely having slept (what if the kids act up? What if I can't leave them and they throw fits? What if they throw things?..Basically drove myself CRAZY into the wee hours of the morning).  I was fairly confident..I had kickboxed before and I thought I was good at it.

Oh boy. Was I wrong.

These women? Are MACHINES. They look like those people on tv.  Doing everything perfectly and looking great doing it.  

And there I was in the back (by the fan, thank you) with a beet red, swollen face.

Instructor: "On an exersion level between 1 and 10..You should be at a 10."

MamaInStilettos: "Should I be close to DEATH?"

And yes, I am determined to look as good as these stepford kickboxing women. I WILL not have the instructor asking me if I am ok and then giving me LOW IMPACT moves (yes, it is humiliating). NOPE. I will KICKBOX. 

25 Random Things

OK...So there's this "chain letter" going around on Facebook, and because I am the QUEEN of Facebook, I found it necessary to participate.

Remember those "chain letters" when you were in second grade that came in the mailbox and you almost peed your pants because you actually got "mail"? Yes, well I still get excited at the pretty "thank you notes" and "invitations".  Besides the point, when in grade school, one would have to send the "chain letter" to work with either mom or dad so they could "ditto" it off and you could then send it to your posse via snail mail.  It was rather exciting.  Especially when people in school were all up in it.  "Did you get your letter?"  "Oh Yes! My mom is copying it at work...And I'm going to send it tonight."

Or you could have grown up in a town like mine where some kids had it good. "Yeah...My dad is having his secretary laser copy it and I gave her the names of the people to send it to..."  uh..ok...I'll be over here licking my stamps and handwriting the names in the "Dear so-and-so" part.  

Anyhow...These are my answers to Facebook's latest chain letter.  It's "25 Random Things".  The list should be of things that people may or may not know about you...I did pass it on to some on Facebook, but thought it would make a great RANDOM post...Especially while I waited in the car for Chris to come out of Best Buy this afternoon....I also took some RANDOM pics. heh heh (ignore my double chin...Crack down is February 1st)

1. I am addicted to products 2. I am a shoe whore 3. One of my favorite places in the world in the beach (any kind), yet I hate being gross and sandy. 4. I hate horror movies (especially when weird things happen to eyes or voices..Then I REALLY freak) 5. I love going out to eat. 6. I have a love/hate relationship with working out and staying fit. I love feeling fit, but hate the effort..But once I get motivated, I can do anything. 7. I have 2 children..And yes...They are 17 months apart..Irish twins..No. Not planned tht way. heh heh. Why would I WANT to torture myself? 8. I love when one of the babies reaches for me to pick them up and is instantly quiet and soothed. I feel overwhelmed with love and "mommyhood". 9. I have learned who my true friends are. Whatever. There was a severe amount of pain and confusion involved, but I am so much happier. 10. I have one BFF and think that our friendship has survived a lifetime of trials and two lifetimes of ridiculousness. We're ludicris and insane. 11. I love looking at snow, but HATE playing in it or going outside and getting my clothes wet. Am I meticulous? Heck yeah. 12. I drive a Jeep and would NEVER own or be seen driving a MINIVAN. Although I did learn to drive in a minivan...which we proceeded to call the "party wagon". 13. I love feeling feminine and being girly. 14. I read like it's going out of style. I rip through books kinda like I do money. hee hee 15. Maybe I should address that--I LOVE spending money..If it could not be attached to guilt, that would be great. 16. I have 2 pugs. but one lives with my mom and dad because she is insanely afraid of the children and noise...And is constantly harassed by the other one. 17. I am Britney Spears' biggest fan (yup....and going to her CONCERT!!! March 26th BABY!) 18. I am choosing to ignore this coming birthday. No celebrations for turning 30. I will be in bed with a book. 19. I am a night owl and a GRUMP in the morning. Seriously. Don't talk to me before my double shot of espresso...Or 3 cups of coffee. 20. My favorite color is green, but I wear a ton of white and pink. 21. I adore ethnic foods..And LOVE to try new things. 22. I LOVE to DANCE. I am a big believer in "dancing it out". Have a bad day? "Dance it out." Need a question answered? "Dance it out". 23. "Sometimes you gotta go through the pain to experience the joy....This too shall pass." I am a firm believer in this (even though it's said by P. to-the-Diddy) 24. I despise talking on the phone...Unless it's gossip. HA! Or someone who really needs a friend...But small talk? Ick. 25. I covet all things preppy. Polka dots, argyle, plaid..Monogrammed..Be still my heart.

Your TURN! Tell me something RANDOM...Or you could leave me out on a limb..

Fat Jeans

I just had the most brilliant idea.

I am going to open a new restaurant called "Fat Jeans".

You can only dine in my restaurant IF you are wearing your "fat pants".  And can prove it..none of these "I swear! These size 2s ARE my fat pants!"  Turn your skinny butt around.  No entry.  

Dress code strictly enforced.  

No skinny jeans (unless your muffin toppin' it...then I may reconsider the situation..Depending on the size of the jeans AND the muffin top.)

And the food?

Who cares about the food!  Anything tastes good when you're comfortable and don't feel like a stuffed sausage next to Miss America Size 4.  Or Michael Phelps' twin! (although there would be pumpkin pie as a choice for dessert...The "jacked up, pumpkin pie on steroids" kind..A la mode, of course.)

Possibility of a "weigh in" at the beginning of the meal where the patron steps on the scale..And then a "weigh out"...The bigger the gain the bigger the PRIZE! 

Trip for two to Aspen!! (cause you sure don't have to wear a bathing suit there!!) 

Now to find the entrepreneur....Any takers?

Or peeps who would wait in line to eat at my fine dining establishment?

The Dog Days of Sephora

So I feel as though Sephora is a beacon of light on my world.  It is like a beautiful oasis in this life of crisis and stress.  If I am in a bad mood, simply bring me into the nearest Sephora and see it instantly melt away as my eyes shimmer with hope and my blood pumps with adrenaline.  I am always overcome with decisions and my senses flood with emotion.  Yes, sometimes, tears come into my eyes as I see my favorite name brands such as Tarte, Benefit, Dior, Bliss, Nars and MakeUp Forever..And a VERY long list of MANY more.  I am a self proclaimed product whore and have lost no respect for myself.  My make up drawer overflows and my cabinet flashes like a club scene.  And I covet each and every one of my products.  I think of my face as a canvas ( An extremely BLANK one right now...And an extemely TIRED one..not to mention there are some "cover up situations" that need to be taken care of ASAP...And I am not going to even begin to talk about what appear to be little lines?? What is this? This, my friends, is the result of having two children. Period.)  I fall in love many times over in Sephora and (Ahem) some of the staff know me, so sometimes..No, ALL THE TIME, it's like coming home.

 And the beauty tools?!? Just try to pry the new up and coming new eye lash curler from my grasp.  I will take you down for it.  Right there in the aisle while possibly assaulting you with their ultra mod and oh-so-worth-the-money make up brushes and eyebrow tweezers.  

I bet if I were stranded on a deserted island..or ANYWHERE, for that matter, I could simply stick my nose up in the air and <sniff sniff>..."It's this way to Sephora <pointing>."  BAM. Home again, Home Again jig-a-dee-jig.

Well, today was a different sort of visit.  I had the kids with me (and a friend...C'mon..I'm not THAT stupid...They wouldn't even let me in the DOOR with two against one)  So here were were working our way through the new and undiscovered things that we never saw before.  "Oh my gosh! This eye pencil says it will make me look awake! QUICK! Stick it in the basket!"  Or  "Does this give me color? Seeing as the kids have drained me wo look like the walking dead?....It does??? OMG. Getting it..Price? Who cares? I refuse to look because now I can actually go and get the mail everyday."

"Look Mommy."

I look....Jill (BFF) looks...BUSTS OUT in the MakeUp Forever section.

There is my (almost) 3 year old in his stroller holding a Benefit lipstick.  He has applied the lipstick all over his mouth and nose.  I BUST OUT quick and then quickly look around for workers..GEEZ.  I don't want to get kicked out of SEPHORA!!!!! That's like getting thrown out of home and chucked into foster care.  I will NOT be forced to shop makeup at department stores!

"Mommy? Can I have a mirror? Look in mirror?"

What?? He now wants to LOOK in a freaking MIRROR?!?!?!?  

I couldn't help myself...I pull out my (Lorac) compact and let him see his masterpiece and Jill swipes his face clean with makeup remover, grabs the lipstick and hides it among the sparkly others.  We do this in about 3 seconds.    

"Lotion Mommy?"

I turn around...WHAT?!?!?

Jill: "What? Does he want a freaking spa treatment?"

What kind of son am I raising here?