Mama In Stilettos

Egg-Z-R-oneous

Who ever thought to make a religious holiday into ANOTHER commercial monstrosity is simply genius.  How would I ever know that Easter is coming if I didn't see the Cadbury Eggs showing up in CVS?  Or know that it's time to pull out the white patent leather stilettos for that special Sunday? 

But in all seriousness.  This egg thing?  Needs to be stopped.  Or at least capped.  Because it is out of control.  Eggs and candy everywhere.  Chocolate barking up my legs and jelly beans breathing down my neck.  Not to mention those Reeses Peanut Butter Eggs magically appearing inside my mouth.  How did they get there??? I have NO idea.  

You know what the REALLY bad thing was this year? I raided the kids baskets even BEFORE Easter. Yep.  I was craving myself some chocolate a couple of days before Easter and *ZING* "Oh! There are Cadbury Eggs in the kids' baskets!"  So I went downstairs where I was hiding them and stole an egg.  Only then I realized the baskets were uneven.  I stole from one basket.  So now one basket had one more Cadbury Egg than the other. So <POP> I stole another quickly and shoved it in my mouth. There. All is right with the world.

So now here I sit.  Feeling FAT. BLOATED and all together DISGUSTED with myself after this week of binge candy eating.

Good thing I start my new P90X (Extreme Home Fitness) and new diet tomorrow.  

I think there will be lots of things to talk about.  Especially when I have to complete the DVD named "Plyometrics".  The description of this DVD says that I will spend most of the time in the air..JUMPING.  And then it says this about the technique of jumping, "this technique can best be achieved by leaping off the toes and landing softly and quietly on the balls of the feet.  Think Catwoman/Spiderman, not Frankenstein." OH MY.  Do they know that my middle name is not GRACE?  I am positive I am going to look like a circus freak. 

Stay Tuned.

My Excuses

So I am sure that everyone has waited with baited breath as to why I haven't posted as much this past summer.  The answer is easy.  I HAVE BEEN A CRAZY PERSON.  In every sense of the word.  Should I have blogged this?  Oh yes.  But the pull away from my beautiful pink Mac has been so strong that even I couldn't drag myself away from my responsibilities (I know..Hard to believe.)   

Thus far, I have had to deal with a vacation (who DOESN'T need a vacay? That would be me. WHY??  Who takes a vacay to Disney World in the raging heat of summer..That would be ME.  Who would think she was walking on the surface of the SUN and wanted to beat Mickey out of heat frustration and exhaustion?  Oh, again, that would be ME.  I think I sweat enough to fill a small baby pool and turn it into one of those posh "salt water pools".  Oh..Believe ME.  If I had one of THOSE posh pools, that would most definitely be in my front yard, white trash or not).  I had to deal with a broken arm from the four year old who decided that he HAD to have the cast the color of a traffic cone.  I swear he could have gotten a job for the local DPW.  Working papers? BAH.  There have also been two trips to the ER due to toy related accidents in my hallways which is about a mile long and screams for preschools to race toys down it; only to have the toy slip out of there grip and face plant on the hard wood.  This ending up with the two year old and a dead nerve in her front tooth.  And enough blood in my house for a full length horror movie. 

We also visited my brother and his bomb diggity wife down in Philly for some much needed down time.  The only problem?  I had to drive myself.  By the end of the drive home I was either going to go crazy with a semiautomatic pistol or needed a drug induced nap.  You pick which one was a better fit considering the children.

And THEN there were the baby bird incidents..YES.  The baby birds.  Somewhere and somehow, baby birds were showing up in my front yard like it was the place to be.  Hopping around and chirping like they were getting their groove on at the local club.  The only problem?  They could NOT fly.  What was I supposed to do?? I am an animal lover but refused to take them in.  Until it started to thunder and lightening.  Then all bets were off.  I had to rescue then from the scary storm and the death defying rain.  I think you can guess the outcome of Tiny Tim #1 AND #2.  Even though I neglected my own CHILDREN to tend to these birds with eye droppers full of water and tried every darn thing for food.  It was traumatic and awful.  NO MORE BABY BIRDS.  You are on your own, peeps.  One can only deal with so much trauma.  And I certainly don't need anymore PTSD in my life.

And now for the finale...I am ZUMBA LICENSED!!! Did I shake it in front of my make-shift "dance studio (composed of 3 mirrors in my basement) for hours on end? YES.  But am I ready to get down with my first class? NOOOOO.  More practicing...But here we GO!  I will definitely post my schedule of classes here first thing.  COME OF YOU CAN!!! (But don't wear stilettos, ok?  I KNOW the pull is SO strong.  But there are some HOT kicks out there.  Go find them and get ready to shake it with me.)

Shake it like a salt shaker!

Oops!

Wooden Spoon vs. Blender

Little do you know how genius I am.  Do you even KNOW how easy it was to get tomato paste out of the can with this new contraption?? Yup.  And I thought I was just being an idiot.  That and avoiding the jaw shivering clanging of metal in my blender (not that I have EVER done that before).  Maybe I shouldn't put anything but food in my blender?  And then mix when the blades are not chopping ferociously?  

I Got Worms

Quote of the day:

Scene- Dinner out on the deck at "Mimi and Poppy's" house.

"When I was little? I was a worm and I took a bath in the bathtub."  Spoken by Nicholas, age 4, who apparently was dropped to us from the stork after he completed his life as a worm.  It seems he is now having flashbacks.  Do I encourage these flashbacks?  Do I buy him a Glo-Worm in order for him to feel as though our family is complete? 

I guess there is NO CHANCE in taking him fishing.  Could you see him hooking a worm?? HOLY HECK! He could be killing his mother or letting his father dangle as BAIT!  

Un-Drunk Text

This is a text I read at 9am when I woke up this morning...I know, I know. I am usually up and at 'em quite a bit earlier, but I have been little Miss Sicky Sickerson with pneumonia.  Hence, the sleeping in until I hear the rustling in the kid's beds.

This text was sent to me at 7:30am by my husband (why he thinks I would be up in this condition? I will never know.): 

"Actress britney murphy died. what the........?" (I quote exactly)

Of course I already knew this because I checked the internet before I went to bed last night and it was ALL OVER the media.

This is the text he received back: "ithey are saing caediab seesric...whixh is perbablt overdose" (I quote exactly)

Yep.  When people say "Don't drunk text" it doesn't apply to me...The saying "Don't text before caffeine" makes SO much more sense.

My husband text me back to say that he was "LOL LOL"..So I looked back at my text..

"Leave me alone. I just woke up". (I quote exactly)

Bunnies Bunnies Everywhere

So the saying goes something like this "They are multiplying like rabbits." Well, it seems in my house the saying is true (not counting the many stuffed animals collecting dust mites in my basement.)  These are "boo-boo babies.  Made to use when kids fall and get hurt, making the experience oh-so enjoyable. (If this were AT ALL possible..And who wants to get blood on this suckers anyways? I'm ready to use them as centerpieces!) Behold:

And yet again, behold (although I bought these on my own volition, possibly under the peer pressure of the "boo-boo bunnies")

  Maybe I'm on a "bunny kick"....And we ALL KNOW there are not little bunnies on the way.

Doing It Well

So, today we are SNOWED IN.  Yes, we ALL LOVE New England in MARCH.  Good 'ol foot of snow on my doorstep, mocking me and sucking the motivation out of my bones.  I can literally feel the steely sky reaching down and draining all hope of spring from my body.  My mind is telling me to curl up in the fetal position with my favorite blanket, some comfort food and the remote..Oh waaaaaaait.  That's EVERY day! 

Eventually one day mulls into the other and one snow storm generates another and we get caught up in the typical New England seasonal affectiveness.  

Until you look out your front window and see this:

Your neighbor snow blowing the driveway in HEELS and a SKIRT.

Now...Everyone knows my obsession with all things involving heels, stilettos, wedges, platforms...And the list continues...But this?  This freaked me out a little.

There she was moving that snow blower up and down her driveway (which has a little grade to it) all while slipping and sliding in 4 inch HEELS.  And the wind was whipping her coat around her body to reveal a winter white (god, I hope it was winter white WOOL, and not linen, or this? Is a sad, sad story)

The snow was blowing back into her face and hair giving her dark hair a spray of white and her face an uncomfortable shade of red.  But there she was, working that snow blower like I've never seen anyone work a snow blower before.  She looked like she was trying to win some sort of race.  Slipping up the driveway and sliding back down all while manuevering this red piece of machinery in front of her like she OWNED it.  Like she was trying to TAME it.  Maybe she was embarassed to be out there in the first place and wanted the pain of embarassment over as quickly as possible.....Or maybe she was extremely pissed to be out there in March while she has 2 (yes, 2) teenage SONS (she's divorced) who should have been pulling their weight by clearing the driveway.  Especially since one of them has a BRAND NEW CAR (how he got this SPORTS car? I don't even want to GO there...All I can say? Is that there are rumors...)And she was driven by pure madness.  I don't know.  All I can tell you is that she cleared that driveway in a quarter of the time it took my husband to clear ours.  And (sorry hon) she looked darn good doing it.  Freaky...But she pulled it off.

I'd like to see some of those men out there harrow the weather and clear the driveway with a snow blower in HEELS and a SKIRT.

HOLLA!

Titanic FAIL

I'm so sorry...But I was laughing SO freaking HARD at this picture that I was crying..I HAD to share it....Look at the WHOLE picture.
see more pwn and owned pictures

Smattered

I LOVE SEPHORA...But I am thinking now that Sephora has a little "problem" with me.  You see?  Sephora ATTACKED me. With a vengeance.  Straight up gave me a smack down right there in the mall and I had to leave hanging my head in shame.  

So I spent a HUGE part of my Saturday night there last weekend.  And I was in my glory.  My eyes bright and taking in all of the bouncing colors and dancing people.  My friend had a complete makeover and I felt so elated at her new look that I looked past all of the bronzer the associate chose to cake on HIMself and celebrate.

After perusing my mecca for my fill, my friend and I began a mission to find her the perfect lipgloss.  Without that "lip plumper" that makes your lips feel like they've been pricked with novocane and then sucked into a Coke bottle.

I had a solution!

Let's try the Sephora Brand lipgloss!!!

We walk over to the display and I begin taking different colors out of their compartments and trying them on the back of my hand.  I did this again and again. IN THE NAME OF LIPGLOSS!

And you know what? We found a color that made Allison (my friend) look like the goddess that she is.

Mission Accomplished.

Or so I thought.

As I am in the "Cargo" section of Sephora I happen to look down at my pants and see THIS:

Do YOU KNOW what THIS IS?!?!?!?

It's FREAKING LIPSTICK!

But where in god's name did it come from?

Notice the GENIUS set up of the "Sephora Brand" section.  Lipstick on the BOTTOM row and lip gloss in the upper compartments.  What was I doing?? 

LEANING.

And KILLING some lipstick.

Totally their fault for their IDIOTIC display.  They're lucky I didn't take more casualties.

But my jeans?? Are permanently war painted.

And I will wear them proudly.  I earned that paint.

Quilted

I have been in this world where time does not exist.  It stands still and then speeds up and then days skip themselves out of the picture and then reappear again.  I never thought I would be here again.  This is how I felt after I brought home each of my kids from the hospital.  As close to insane as one can get.  But this time, of course, I am not "bringing home baby".  

I am dealing with the FLU.

And it has thrown my life into something I do not recognize.  And it's not even ME who has the flu (not yet, at least).  It's my kids.  My 2.5 year old has regressed in his potty training and I think my 1 year old has regressed back to her colic days.  It's like musical chairs in the middle of the night, except it's played with kids and beds.  One cries, tylenol cocktail is given and then they refuse to go back into their own beds.  Making mine the primary choice, and thus, spreading the demon germ into my bed.  This repeats itself I can't even tell you how many times a night the past week.  All I know is that one night? It was every hour.

**NOTE TO MY DOCTOR/NURSE friends: YES my kids got the "FLU SHOT".  It's a load of crap.  I know that many of you are thinking, " Yes, but they make a guess which kind will unload on the masses, and then vaccinate.  It's CRAP. Sorry...Maybe I'm just bitter because I have only slept a total of 8 hours in the past WEEK*** And, yes, I still love you all, but I am never getting or having my kids get the "FLU (bs) SHOT" again.  

Anyhow, since I am a germ-o-phobe I have been doing TONS of laundry...Meaning sheets are changed almost everyday.  Stuffed toys that are touched, are thrown into the sanitary cycle.  God, I love my washing machine and dryer.  Probably my favorite thing in the house, besides my bed.

So I was doing load after load when I realized "hey, why aren't these clothes/sheets drying??? Usually they're dry in a snap!"  But, of course, there was a war cry from upstairs and I had to put out the flames between the phlem dripping children.

Fast forward 2 hours.

"Hey! WHy the heck aren't these DRY!!!!!"  I got mad! No way was my dryer going to quit on me now.  Geez, I just had the washing machine repairman out here not that long ago and he called me pregnant..So help me god if that man comes back into my house for my dryer!

Hold on a second...

Lint trap.

This is what I found (sorry pics are grainy..took with my phone..no way I could haul out my camera at a time like this.)

This is a QUILT of lint. And it has LOFT..about 2 inches thick! omg.  I am so lucky I didn't have a fire (because I have been known to cause a few stirs in the fire-department)....

So I made the most of the situation:

 So Cambria now has a homemade quilt for her doll...How adorable!