Mama In Stilettos

Bake Off!

So now everyone thinks that I can't cook.  I guess I carry that stigma ever since I set the kitchen on fire a while back. 

Well....I'm baaaaack.  I have to be because of this friggin' celiac sentence that I have been given.  What the heck?  Now I can't pull into Boston Market, order a chicken and side and say I cooked a home meal! Well, I actually could, but then I would spend the next several days in severe agony that I wouldn't wish upon my dog-catcher-calling neighbor ..Well, maybe he could handle that.  Wait a minute.  He deserves a little agony. Anyhoo,  I now have to cook in oder to maintain life inside my body.  Because I have now learned that we all need food to survive.  I tried eating rice noodles for several weeks...Then graduated to chicken and brown rice.  What became of this? SEVERE DEPRESSION where I wanted to shove cake in my mouth (but couldn't) and then wanted to inflict pain upon those who told me "Oh! Don't worry! This is the BEST time to be diagnosed with this! Like, there are SO many gluten free things right now!"  Yeah.  Did ya ever think about drive thru?  Did ya ever think about burgers and fries?  Did ya ever think about pizza? (although? just recently, I HAVE found the alma mater)..But still...Just picking up the phone and ordering something "take out".  Never gonna happen in my world except for like 1 restaurant 20 minutes away, thanks.

Anyways, so I have NO CHOICE but to cook dinners, treats, cakes and breads for myself.  Or risk hurting someone waiting in the drive thru line of the closest Wendys because of my bitterness.  Lucky for me my brother and sis-in-law bought me the ultimate cookbook  for non-cookers, such as myself.  Don't get me wrong, I used to enjoy cooking, but it took so darn LOOOONG.  I'm looking for instant gratification here...Not waiting 1.5 hours for a casserole to cook after it took me 45 minutes to put it together. All I got was a backache and a bad attitude from all that preparation and how it took 10 minutes for everyone to gorge themselves.  

So I just went waaay of subject.  Like if the subject was Massachusetts?  I'm in California..Well, maybe not that far. North Dakota or something.

So I made these FABULOUS cupcakes for my son's preschool Valentine's Day celebration:

Behold the artistry

 

Yes.  They were taken with my phone, so not so great pics...Hey, I was in the car!

I am pretty darn proud of these little delectable treats.  And, no, they are NOT gluten free.  Wanna know why?    Because I made a DELICIOUS chocolate cake (gluten free) with velvet frosting this past weekend that was probably the equivalent of eating a stick of butter when you ate a piece. And guess what?!?! There were LEFTOVERS.  Guess who was up in the middle of the night stuffing her face?  

For my other reason, my dad's birthday is this next weekend and I am making him his birthday cake (gluten free), so I am going to have to eat some (such a cross to bear, I know).  So my thought process behind the cupcakes and the remaining batter that I made into a cake?  Simple: I CAN'T EAT IT.  No getting up in the middle of the night to partake in soft billowy cakeness and buttery cream cheese frosting.  I'm CUT OFF.  I cut myself OFF. 

I'm genius.  

Only, I have to stare as my family eats the cake one piece at a time.  OH THE PAIN!

Teenie Bopper

I saw some teenagers walking home from school today.  As I saw them and their self-conscious selves marching down the street, I got to thinking.  I would really want to be a teenager again...But maintain who I am today.  What I mean is, have my same confidence, personality and killer shoe closet.  Everything else?  Well, that can surely wait....

 10 Things that make me want to be a teenager again :

1. Justin Bieber (I said IF I was a TEENAGER!)

2. Television (I could TOTALLY get away with what I watch on television and not be chastised for my trashy taste.  Because what do teenagers watch? A LOT of reality television.  Bliss.)  

3.  Uggs (You can TOTALLY get away with wearing them every day and be fabulous)

4.  Cell Phones (Do you know how much more fun and how much easier my life wold have been if these were invented when I was a teenager? Hello? Texting? Not having to listen to my chemistry teacher? Genius.)

5.  IPODs (Again...Not having to hover around my radio for hours on end to make a decent mix would have prevented me a lot of fury and vicious fights with the djs)

6.  Sleeping in (no kids=sleep...therefore sleeping until noon when there is no school. Heaven. )

7.  School Cafeteria (cause where can you have so many choices for lunch under one roof and pay only $2.00?? Pizza? Chicken burgers? Salad bar? Tater tots? Fruit cup with whipped topping? Yes, I understand that most of the food is gross, but hey, how can someone screw up pizza or tater tots?  Or a salad bar?  It's like having your own personal chef EVERY DAY! And for dessert? Green jello in those little cups! Adorable!)

8.  Speaking of food....Carbs.  NO one had ANY problems with carbs in high school.  Out to dinner?  Yes, I'll have a roll please.  With butter.  And some pasta...With a Coke.  Followed by chocolate cake and iced cream.  Feel guilty? Nope. Why Not? Because I had the metabolism of Michael Phelps (sans the substance use..That came later in the REBELLION stage also known as COLLEGE) in high school THAT'S WHY!

9.  All Nighters.  Come on. We ALL had them with our girlfriends, friends, groups of friends...etc.  And didn't even need entertainment.  Why not? Because we were each other's entertainment.  We could just all be in the same room and have a blast.  Now?  As adults?  We NEED entertainment, whether it's food and drink, or music, or a movie..And forget the all nighters.  After I stay up past my bedtime by a couple of hours someone has to scrape me off the floor for the next few DAYS.

10.  Money.  I always seemed to have money as a teenager, whether I made it babysitting or at my lame job at the local mall in a retail store where I secretly had dance parties in the dressing rooms.  I could get whatever I wanted, needed and blow through money like it was going out of style.  Now?  I feel like I've won the lottery when I find $5 bucks in my winter coat I haven't worn all season.

This is truly a short compilation. Looking back, I would have changed so much about my teenage years, but I had some great friends and we had a fantastic time.  I have some freaking hysterical memories and wouldn't give them up for the world.  

The sad part? Is that people change.  The people who were my very best friends in high school seem to not be who they were back then.  I know over and over that people grow up, but, c'mon.  We still have to maintain some sense of who we are throughout our lives  and maintain unrestrained humor. I DO want to say that my best friend is STILL my best friend.  We have remained intact and still feel as though we are 16, so what is up with the others?  Life has kicked them and they have morphed to fit into the mold of who they think they should be.  It makes me sad and also makes me proud to be who I am today.  I feel like I have been true to myself and have taken the necessary steps to become an independent responsible adult, while maintaining my sense of childlike  (and yes, immature <in a good way HA!>) unrestraint. 

But do I ever want to return to my 20s?  Only in numbers, my friends....Only in numbers (example.."How old are you? 26!  Example now: "How old are you?" Answer: <Stink Eye>  

Holiday Cheer

Here are some reasons as to why I haven't been physically able to blog this holiday season:

1. Diagnosed with pneumonia 2 weeks before Christmas (little did I know that I actually had it for 2 weeks prior to this diagnosis)

2. I fell down my cellar stairs (not all of them...just 5 of them)

3. I dropped BREAKABLE Christmas gifts down the stairs and guess what?! They BROKE!

4. The top of my daughter's hutch (solid oak) fell ON MY HEAD.  Just decided to fall on my HEAD while sending everything sailing to the floor and smashing (including her piggy bank...now THAT was fun to clean up). I had to manhandle it up over my head and get it back into place. All I can say is thank you to the local Y for kicking my butt. Otherwise I might still be stuck under the mantle.

5. I got in a car accident. Yup. I rear ended someone in holiday traffic. I'm talking-I-left-my-imprint-of-my-license-plate-in-your-bumper kind of rear ender.

6. Son taken to hospital in ambulance for what we thought was trouble breathing...Too bad it was just CROUP.

7. Daughter crying NONSTOP. Diagnosis? Double ear infection.

8.  Husband's car dies.

9. Husband loses $30 worth of VICTORIA'S SECRET ANGEL DOLLARS! (hey! I EARNED those rewards!)

10. I forgot to buy Christmas presents for 3 people. I officially lost my mind this season. 

Now I would like to say a HUGE BUB-BYE to 2009. I expected more from you, honestly. You are a disappointment to me.  <sigh> My expectations were way too high for you.  Now with 2010 approaching, do I lower my expectations, or do I take the chance of being disappointed once again (and crying while ripping apart a calendar).  You said lower my expectations? Yeah. Maybe I won't expect Britney Spears to have my cell number this year and call me and invite me to "hang out" with her in L.A...Maybe that was just too much for 2009 to handle. 2010? You're on notice. Step it up.

Un-Drunk Text

This is a text I read at 9am when I woke up this morning...I know, I know. I am usually up and at 'em quite a bit earlier, but I have been little Miss Sicky Sickerson with pneumonia.  Hence, the sleeping in until I hear the rustling in the kid's beds.

This text was sent to me at 7:30am by my husband (why he thinks I would be up in this condition? I will never know.): 

"Actress britney murphy died. what the........?" (I quote exactly)

Of course I already knew this because I checked the internet before I went to bed last night and it was ALL OVER the media.

This is the text he received back: "ithey are saing caediab seesric...whixh is perbablt overdose" (I quote exactly)

Yep.  When people say "Don't drunk text" it doesn't apply to me...The saying "Don't text before caffeine" makes SO much more sense.

My husband text me back to say that he was "LOL LOL"..So I looked back at my text..

"Leave me alone. I just woke up". (I quote exactly)

Bunnies Bunnies Everywhere

So the saying goes something like this "They are multiplying like rabbits." Well, it seems in my house the saying is true (not counting the many stuffed animals collecting dust mites in my basement.)  These are "boo-boo babies.  Made to use when kids fall and get hurt, making the experience oh-so enjoyable. (If this were AT ALL possible..And who wants to get blood on this suckers anyways? I'm ready to use them as centerpieces!) Behold:

And yet again, behold (although I bought these on my own volition, possibly under the peer pressure of the "boo-boo bunnies")

  Maybe I'm on a "bunny kick"....And we ALL KNOW there are not little bunnies on the way.

Feeling Grinchy

Things that have happened to me today: 1. Went to to a Ri-DONK-u-lous "breakfast with Father Christmas" where he entered the room playing bagpipes, scaring my children bat crazy. And they charged me for a full $12.99 breakfast where I ate nothing because of my celiac disease. And they charged full price for my 2 year old. How much do they think that she can put away? I think it's discrimination. I would have caused a scene, but since I have no voice.... 2. Broke 2 glass Christmas ornaments in my children's presence. My oh my, the self control it took to not use four letter words ( at least whisper them). 3. Fell down my cellar stairs (5 of them and landing on the bottom which is pure concrete), and landed on my knee and ankle. Oh the PAIN. And I could not scream, so my 3 year old saw me and went running to my husband "MOMMY JUST FALLED DADDY!" great, I thought, as I rocked myself in the fetal position. 4. 2 year old (Cam BAM) smashed to smithereens a snow globe. Do you even know how hard it is to get glitter up from a kitchen floor? I dare you to try. And the day is only half over.

Can't wait for what is to come.

Save the Basil!

To save or not to save? 

This is the question.

My husband received this basil plant from a patient awhile (like 3 months ago) and I kinda just threw it in the closest pot on my window sill and I swear, it's surviving out of sheer will.  I hardly water it, it's clearly in the wrong size pot and needs lots of TLC.  The question is, is that should I step it up and resign my self into taking care of this plant.  And it's not because I love basil more than anything in the world or anything, but I have grown to respect the plant and it's sheer will to survive.  Perhaps is a wonder ghetto plant that can overcome all of those obstacles and darkness in life and then go to Harvard for a medical degree or something. 

Anyhoo.  

"I'm on my last legs (or stems!) SAVE ME!"

What do you think? Should I put the effort in even though I have no green thumb (or green anything, for that matter) AT ALL .

Wide Awake

I really need to get to bed earlier.  Although I'm not sure if that would work anyways because I am always reading past my bedtime and then kicking myself as I look at the clock as I turn out the light, knowing what is going to happen in the morning.  

I know that in the morning I will feel as though I need to sleep at least until noon, have a minimum of 5 cups of coffee and complete silence for a hour after I drag out of bed.  Unfortunately this will never happen in my life. Instead, my alarm goes off and my eyes feel like they are made of sandpaper and my body is made of lead.  If I can only get the motivation to put my feet on the floor and make it to the coffee maker, it's a good day.  If it's a bad day, I am falling asleep on the toilet as I pee and catching myself on the side of the sink before I fall to the floor.  

It was a bad morning this morning. Probably one of the worst.  I chugged two cups of coffee while staring into space. I couldn't even get the motivation to check my email or stare at the upcoming sales for Christmas on the flyers on my kitchen table. I was a robot making the kids breakfast, but managed to get my gym clothes on and teeth brushed as I convinced myself that I would "wake up" at the gym.  

I went through the routine of schlepping the kids downstairs to the car in the garage and opened the garage door.  Here's the thing. Our garage is completely broken and everything has to be done by hand except for when it initially opens up the first time in the morning..But after that? I have to back the car out of the garage, disengage the garage motor and close it by hand before jumping BACK INTO the car and on my merry way.  

But man oh man this morning. I opened the garage with the motor, backed the car out of the garage and went to get out of the car to close the garage by hand.  Too bad I left the car in DRIVE as I got out. OH MY GOSH the car was taking off into the garage WITHOUT ME IN IT.  I had to run along side of it for about 6 paces and jump back INTO the car, slam on the brake before it went THROUGH the garage WALL and managed to throw it in park. 

Initiate panic attack.

Now I was definitely awake.

Pacifying

Awhile ago I met a friend at my favorite Vietnamese restaurant.  If you didn't know already, I am OBSESSED with Vietnamese food.  At one point, not so long ago, I was driving 40 minutes round trip 3 times a week to indulge myself.  I get like that.

While I was waiting for my friend and relishing the complimentary tea, I looked over to see a family at a table nearby.  And I almost upchucked my tea.  Why would I want to upchuck the best tea in the world? Because there sitting at the table, appeared to be a child of at least 5 or 6 years of age with a full blown PACIFIER in his mouth.  It looked like the family was finished eating and there the kid was sucking away on a fire engine red pacifier.  How wrong it that?  It's just a step up from nursing! Not that I am against nursing at all in any way.  I think it's great, but not with a five or 6 year old who will REMEMBER nursing.  It freaks me out.  I couldn't help staring (and I certainly not the staring type.  Believe me, as a social worker, I have seen it all, but never a pacifier sucking 6 year old.)  Just think of the dental work ahead for this little boy! His teeth are going to stick out like Bugs Bunny!  But again, it's probably none of my business. Although it MAY be partly my business if I have to look at it when my glorious food arrives all I will be able to think of is this kid and his nipple sucking mouth.

Thank goodness they left before my food arrived. Or I may have insisted on take-out. 

Pirate Eye

OK. I am a pirate today.  Somehow I either have something in my eye or it's scratched.  Either way it's all puffy, red and watery.  So my answer?? I still have patches from my three year old's last "pirate themed" birthday party. 

I think I should sport one.  Hey. If can't wear my eye makeup..then I need to wear the patch.  Hey. I ALWAYS rock eye makeup. Why? Because I look like an 11 year old without it.  Even if I'm sick and coughing my lungs up and living in sweats (cute sweats..mind you) best believe that I will still be wearing my cream eyeshadow and eyeliner..And quite normally, mascara. 

So now that I can only wear eye makeup on one eye and look lopsided. I choose to play pirate for the day.

Wonder how they will respond at the restaurant I will be going to tonight with a friend.  Should I throw in the "pirate accent"?  And order rum at a Vietnamese restaurant? Yes? Done.