Mama In Stilettos

My Excuses

So I am sure that everyone has waited with baited breath as to why I haven't posted as much this past summer.  The answer is easy.  I HAVE BEEN A CRAZY PERSON.  In every sense of the word.  Should I have blogged this?  Oh yes.  But the pull away from my beautiful pink Mac has been so strong that even I couldn't drag myself away from my responsibilities (I know..Hard to believe.)   

Thus far, I have had to deal with a vacation (who DOESN'T need a vacay? That would be me. WHY??  Who takes a vacay to Disney World in the raging heat of summer..That would be ME.  Who would think she was walking on the surface of the SUN and wanted to beat Mickey out of heat frustration and exhaustion?  Oh, again, that would be ME.  I think I sweat enough to fill a small baby pool and turn it into one of those posh "salt water pools".  Oh..Believe ME.  If I had one of THOSE posh pools, that would most definitely be in my front yard, white trash or not).  I had to deal with a broken arm from the four year old who decided that he HAD to have the cast the color of a traffic cone.  I swear he could have gotten a job for the local DPW.  Working papers? BAH.  There have also been two trips to the ER due to toy related accidents in my hallways which is about a mile long and screams for preschools to race toys down it; only to have the toy slip out of there grip and face plant on the hard wood.  This ending up with the two year old and a dead nerve in her front tooth.  And enough blood in my house for a full length horror movie. 

We also visited my brother and his bomb diggity wife down in Philly for some much needed down time.  The only problem?  I had to drive myself.  By the end of the drive home I was either going to go crazy with a semiautomatic pistol or needed a drug induced nap.  You pick which one was a better fit considering the children.

And THEN there were the baby bird incidents..YES.  The baby birds.  Somewhere and somehow, baby birds were showing up in my front yard like it was the place to be.  Hopping around and chirping like they were getting their groove on at the local club.  The only problem?  They could NOT fly.  What was I supposed to do?? I am an animal lover but refused to take them in.  Until it started to thunder and lightening.  Then all bets were off.  I had to rescue then from the scary storm and the death defying rain.  I think you can guess the outcome of Tiny Tim #1 AND #2.  Even though I neglected my own CHILDREN to tend to these birds with eye droppers full of water and tried every darn thing for food.  It was traumatic and awful.  NO MORE BABY BIRDS.  You are on your own, peeps.  One can only deal with so much trauma.  And I certainly don't need anymore PTSD in my life.

And now for the finale...I am ZUMBA LICENSED!!! Did I shake it in front of my make-shift "dance studio (composed of 3 mirrors in my basement) for hours on end? YES.  But am I ready to get down with my first class? NOOOOO.  More practicing...But here we GO!  I will definitely post my schedule of classes here first thing.  COME OF YOU CAN!!! (But don't wear stilettos, ok?  I KNOW the pull is SO strong.  But there are some HOT kicks out there.  Go find them and get ready to shake it with me.)

Shake it like a salt shaker!

Rage and Destruction

This is an exact account of actual events that took place last night.

1. went to bed with a raging migraine

2.  took enough migraine medication to medicate a small elephant

3. woke up an hour later because the migraine was WORSE

4.  2 year old wakes up

5.  try to soothe 2 year old back to bed

6.  2 year old screams at the top of her lungs

7.  2 year old has diarrhea and bum is on fire

8. walk into bedroom and walk straight INTO chest at the end of my bed

9. break left baby toe

10.  2 year old comes into bed

11.  struggle with ice pack over foot

12.  bandage ice to foot

13. realize that i have to pee AFTER the ice is on the foot

14. have to walk to the bathroom with ice balancing on outside of left foot

15.  can't sleep because of extreme PAIN in HEAD and now FOOT

16.  5am------>sleep

17.  730am: 4 year old wakes up with a screaming fever.

What a great day this is going to be! 

I swear.....Could I make this stuff up?!?!?!?

Loogies

Really? What IS it with guys and their refusal to see a doctor.  Even when they are blatantly sick.  And when I say sick, I mean SICK.  Like hacking up a lung sick.  Like "my lungs are now BLACK" sick.  

This is my husband.  And the ironic thing?  Is that my husband is a health care PROFESSIONAL.  He, in the words of my four year old, "makes people better".  Granted, he's not a primary care doctor, but he IS a medical encyclopedia.  And, yes.  Some people DO use him as their primary care doctor, so that being said, he KNOWS.  He really KNOWS.

So for two weeks he has been hacking and hacking. ALL OVER THE HOUSE.  A couple times to the point where I have screamed at him to go to the doctor before storming off out of bed with my blankets at midnight because there was NO WAY I could sleep through the goose barks.  And the other thing?  Is that he thinks that when he coughs?  He should then proceed to "hock up a loogie"  and spit it in the closest available sink. This could be the main bathroom, the "guest bathroom" or the KITCHEN sink.  I'm sorry, but I think that this is the grossest and most unsanitary thing EVER.  Ok, if you MUST spit?  Spit in a TISSUE and THROW IT AWAY.  I may even cut you some slack and tolerate spitting in the toilet, but only if you can guarantee that it be flushed immediately because I definitely DO NOT need to see it or I may barf.  And the thing is, is that he will run the water after and "wash it down the sink".  Sorry to say that IT DOESN'T ALWAYS GO DOWN, as he insists that it does on the hundreds of occasions I have "spoken" to him about this.  So I have had to scrub and disinfect throat induced snot from both of my bathrooms and my kitchen sink, all while I gag, on a daily basis for the last TWO WEEKS.  I am so done with it.

But the question is WHY he does this.  What is his thinking behind this obscene behavior.  You really want to know?  Remember he is a HEALTH CARE PROFESSIONAL.  His words: "I am coughing up the sickness.  I feel like I can get the germs up."  Whhhhaaaaaaat?  Now.  I may now have a medical degree or license but I definitely DO know that you can't get rid of sickness by coughing it out of your body, otherwise I would never have to take medication ever.  Just cough it up and all is okay.  No worries!  Simply cough as though your life depends on it,  get some big 'ol snot in your throat and upchuck it into your kitchen sink.  HEALED! 

So last night our youngest, Cam Bam, was up until midnight coughing and coughing....Again more yelling: "GO TO THE DOCTOR.  YOU HAVE BEEN COUGHING ALL OVER THIS HOUSE FOR TWO WEEKS.  NOW THE ASTHMATIC CHILD IS SICK WITH YOUR BLACK LUNG SICKNESS!"  Cam Bam: <cough cough> <cough cough> Breathing treatment..... Chris: <cough cough> <cough cough>

5am

Cam Bam: <cough cough> <cough cough> <cough cough GAG> repeat for 10 minutes.  breathing treatment....

<cough cough> sporadically for next 45 minutes

6am

Cam Bam: <cough cough> <cough cough> <cough cough GAG> STEROID breathing treatment.. Chris: <cough cough HOCK HOCK....spit> <cough cough>

6:30am

Cam Bam: <cough cough> <cough cough> <cough cough GAG> <GAG> "SARAH, SHE JUST THREW UP PHLEM!"  breathing treatment.... Chris: <cough cough HOCK HOCK....spit> <cough cough>

Sarah: "CHRIS GO TO THE FREAKING DOCTOR OR DON'T BOTHER COMING HOME."

So I have had no more than 4-5 hours of sleep, and I feel like I am starting to want to cough.

Excuse me while I go and "hock up SEVERAL loogies (in tissues)" to heal myself while giving millions of breathing treatments today.

Trashy Neighbor

So yesterday I decided that I am one of those "trashy neighbors" that everyone despises.

Picture this:  I was screaming at my children who were throwing rocks into the road (didn't matter that a few cars drove buy and slowed down to give them the 'stink eye'), yelling for my dog who decided to have the run of the neighborhood, all from my lounge chair which was in my front yard.  Oh. And did I mention I was on the phone while all this was happening?  And in short shorts and a tank top (hey. A girl has to catch some rays.  I was starting to resemble a close relative of the Cullen family.)?  AND did I mention that there were toys strewn ALL over my yard like I was holding a tag sale just for kid's toys?  No?  Well, that's how it went down yesterday.  All I needed was a cigarette hanging from my mouth to complete the package. 

My neighbors are going to LOVE me this summer.

I Got Worms

Quote of the day:

Scene- Dinner out on the deck at "Mimi and Poppy's" house.

"When I was little? I was a worm and I took a bath in the bathtub."  Spoken by Nicholas, age 4, who apparently was dropped to us from the stork after he completed his life as a worm.  It seems he is now having flashbacks.  Do I encourage these flashbacks?  Do I buy him a Glo-Worm in order for him to feel as though our family is complete? 

I guess there is NO CHANCE in taking him fishing.  Could you see him hooking a worm?? HOLY HECK! He could be killing his mother or letting his father dangle as BAIT!  

Bake Off!

So now everyone thinks that I can't cook.  I guess I carry that stigma ever since I set the kitchen on fire a while back. 

Well....I'm baaaaack.  I have to be because of this friggin' celiac sentence that I have been given.  What the heck?  Now I can't pull into Boston Market, order a chicken and side and say I cooked a home meal! Well, I actually could, but then I would spend the next several days in severe agony that I wouldn't wish upon my dog-catcher-calling neighbor ..Well, maybe he could handle that.  Wait a minute.  He deserves a little agony. Anyhoo,  I now have to cook in oder to maintain life inside my body.  Because I have now learned that we all need food to survive.  I tried eating rice noodles for several weeks...Then graduated to chicken and brown rice.  What became of this? SEVERE DEPRESSION where I wanted to shove cake in my mouth (but couldn't) and then wanted to inflict pain upon those who told me "Oh! Don't worry! This is the BEST time to be diagnosed with this! Like, there are SO many gluten free things right now!"  Yeah.  Did ya ever think about drive thru?  Did ya ever think about burgers and fries?  Did ya ever think about pizza? (although? just recently, I HAVE found the alma mater)..But still...Just picking up the phone and ordering something "take out".  Never gonna happen in my world except for like 1 restaurant 20 minutes away, thanks.

Anyways, so I have NO CHOICE but to cook dinners, treats, cakes and breads for myself.  Or risk hurting someone waiting in the drive thru line of the closest Wendys because of my bitterness.  Lucky for me my brother and sis-in-law bought me the ultimate cookbook  for non-cookers, such as myself.  Don't get me wrong, I used to enjoy cooking, but it took so darn LOOOONG.  I'm looking for instant gratification here...Not waiting 1.5 hours for a casserole to cook after it took me 45 minutes to put it together. All I got was a backache and a bad attitude from all that preparation and how it took 10 minutes for everyone to gorge themselves.  

So I just went waaay of subject.  Like if the subject was Massachusetts?  I'm in California..Well, maybe not that far. North Dakota or something.

So I made these FABULOUS cupcakes for my son's preschool Valentine's Day celebration:

Behold the artistry

 

Yes.  They were taken with my phone, so not so great pics...Hey, I was in the car!

I am pretty darn proud of these little delectable treats.  And, no, they are NOT gluten free.  Wanna know why?    Because I made a DELICIOUS chocolate cake (gluten free) with velvet frosting this past weekend that was probably the equivalent of eating a stick of butter when you ate a piece. And guess what?!?! There were LEFTOVERS.  Guess who was up in the middle of the night stuffing her face?  

For my other reason, my dad's birthday is this next weekend and I am making him his birthday cake (gluten free), so I am going to have to eat some (such a cross to bear, I know).  So my thought process behind the cupcakes and the remaining batter that I made into a cake?  Simple: I CAN'T EAT IT.  No getting up in the middle of the night to partake in soft billowy cakeness and buttery cream cheese frosting.  I'm CUT OFF.  I cut myself OFF. 

I'm genius.  

Only, I have to stare as my family eats the cake one piece at a time.  OH THE PAIN!

Feeling Grinchy

Things that have happened to me today: 1. Went to to a Ri-DONK-u-lous "breakfast with Father Christmas" where he entered the room playing bagpipes, scaring my children bat crazy. And they charged me for a full $12.99 breakfast where I ate nothing because of my celiac disease. And they charged full price for my 2 year old. How much do they think that she can put away? I think it's discrimination. I would have caused a scene, but since I have no voice.... 2. Broke 2 glass Christmas ornaments in my children's presence. My oh my, the self control it took to not use four letter words ( at least whisper them). 3. Fell down my cellar stairs (5 of them and landing on the bottom which is pure concrete), and landed on my knee and ankle. Oh the PAIN. And I could not scream, so my 3 year old saw me and went running to my husband "MOMMY JUST FALLED DADDY!" great, I thought, as I rocked myself in the fetal position. 4. 2 year old (Cam BAM) smashed to smithereens a snow globe. Do you even know how hard it is to get glitter up from a kitchen floor? I dare you to try. And the day is only half over.

Can't wait for what is to come.

Dinner Conversations

Another interesting dinner quote from my son (again having to do with his teeth).

"I can't eat my squash and rice Mom-my. It's rotting my teeth.  The squash and rice are going to rot my teeth, Mom-my."

Have I instilled a fear regarding my son's teeth?? Am I a dental nazi? Hey.  I'm concerned about my 3 year old and his dragon breath.  We take dental care seriously.  Excuse me while I go and floss.

Park Etiquette

What is it with me and kids throwing things at me?

Do I look like a big target or something??

Do I scream that I want thing hurled in my direction, because it certainly seems as though the children oblige with no problems.  And with incredible arms.

I was at the park this week with my kids and decided to take a minute to scope out the other mothers at the park while on the bench. Yes, one was actually wearing a green and white polka dotted skirt (which I loved with my preppy little heart) and a white three quarter length CASHMERE sweater.  How do I know it was cashmere? Because I KNOW my cashmere people.  She decided to wear pearls in her ears and around her neck and pink flip flops (which I wanted to steal off her manicured feet).  She also had perfected blown out hair and looked well rested.  So...I'm either thinking this woman has a full time nanny or she's on some heavy meds because she also was strolling a newborn around.  When I had kids that small I probably could have been found at the top of the jungle gym contemplating which bones would break if I jumped and if it would give me some "bed rest" time...And how much pain medication I would be given to drown out the circus haze of my house.

ANYWAYS.

I'm sitting on a bench not participating in any, what i would call, "park cliques"...Where I would have to talk to other mothers and be all doting on my kids.  No.  Momma needed to sit down and guzzle some Snapple while the children ran around like carnival monkeys.

So I'm sipping some Snapple..Checking some texts.

WHAM.

Oh my lord. Shock and pain.

I look to my right where the pain had just come from.  A pail on the ground and a BIG 6 or 7 year old girl running away.  She then turns around to glare at me. I look over my shoulder (that is throbbing). Surely this child is not glaring at me. Yup. Sure was.

I glare back. See? I learn things.  I will not me intimidated.  These children who throw things need to be glared at and not given excuses.  Ps.  What would her excuse be anyways?? "Oh! Her ponytail was too tight." BAH.

She then tilts her head towards me to give me a "mean face".  What do I do??

I look around quickly to see if her mother is watching, pull off my Chanel sunglasses and give her my meanest face EVER.

Don't think she'll be throwing pails at me too soon.

Asthmar

So after many weeks and such of my 18 month old coughing, hacking, wheezing and altogether sounding like a 70 year old smoker..She has been diagnosed with asthma.

And we went through a 2.5 hour attack on Sunday night. It was hell.  An 18 months old coughing like she had emphysema for over 2 hours is not good for one's mood or complexion.  Did I feel bad for her? Yes.  My heart melted.  Was I pissed because my sleep was apparently not going to happen? Heck yes.  Why me? Why do these things happen to me? The other night I was dealing with a 3 year old with severe stomach cramps and poop coming out his booty like a freaking faucet. Yeah. Not going back to Friendlys anytime soon.  Certainly was NOT a friendly experience all around.

So I brought little Cam Bam to the doctors after her bout of NOT BEING ABLE TO BREATHE to the doctors and they hand me every contraption necessary.  Which I am familiar with because I, also, am plagued with the dreaded "ASTHMAR", as my friends lovingly call it..Oh great..Here comes ASTHMAR.  Kinda like we made asthma a person and gave him a personality.  "I can't laugh too hard right now...Asthmar is visiting."  Wow. That sounds like he's Hindu or something.  Anyhoo.

Right now I am a slave to the freaking nebulizer and the 4-7 treatments a day I have to administer to an 18 month old.  I repeat. An 18 month old.  Have you ever tried to administer a smoking pipe that makes a loud noise to an 18 month old? I didn't think so. It's like wearing open toed shoes (especially WHITE ones) in winter. It just isn't happening in my world. At least without a fight..And I am a bulldog.

Cambria is doing well with her treatments so far.  Tonight we did have to hold her down for a bit and blow the medicine in her face..I believe this is called a "shottie" in the drug world.  So, yes, I was giving "shotties" to my 18 month old. But the greatest is when she actually "smokes" the little "pipe".  Am I going to video it?? Heck yes! I could probably make a killing constructing my own antidrug commerical!

This is all a bit frustrating as she spits out ALL oral medication (yes...calling doctor tomorrow since she has had NO doses of the oral steriods..But her clothes?? They are probably growing bigger by the second with the amount she has spit out on them..hahaha)

And, yet another thing to add to Cam Bam's list o' drama.  She fell at the "Y" today and gave herself a big 'ol shiner.  Yup. No one knows how she did it.  She just fell into some book cases and out she came with a black eye.  She's a royal wreck if there ever was one.

But the worst?

Was when Chris walked in the door tonight and said:

"Hey crack baby! When you gonna smoke your crack pipe?"

Oh my Lord.  I REALLY hope the neighbors didn't hear that...ALthough with my luck and with the door wide open? The ENTIRE neighborhood heard.