Mama In Stilettos

Pug Catcher

10:00 this morning my doorbell rings.  

I glance at the door and see a figure standing outside on my steps.  I think “Ok, Fed Ex man, leave the package, because I so am not answering the door in my pajamas and ESPECIALLY not without makeup.”

He doesn’t leave.

Thank god Chris is home.  And he thinks nothing about answering the door in his boxers.  

Guess who?

DOG OFFICER.

Yup.  I was stunned myself.  Especially because we have taken many precautions with our dog because we know that she’s a reckless menace and is known to rile up 2 entire neighborhoods of dogs with her shenanigans.  

We installed an electric fence this past summer ( I know, I know...Sounds mean, BUT she was only shocked like 4 or 5 times before she learned..Oh wait, there was that time that Nicholas got ahold of the wireless remote...Sheesh..Now I feel like PETA should be called on me) The ONLY reason we had to install the fence is because our yard is impossible to fence in the physical fashion.  It’s a really weird shape and our yard overlaps with another neighbor’s...All THAT fun stuff. Anyways, Gracie has been safe and sound within the confines of our yard ever since.  But...With the lovely New England weather, the ground shifted and the electric fence shorted, making it unusable.  But, Gracie doesn’t know that! She’s actually been staying in the yard.

Until Kayla came to visit.  Kayla is our other dog.  Our “first born”.  But, alas, she is terrified to live with us now.  She hates Gracie because she is so hyper and the kids are too loud for her.  I really don’t blame her.  This morning I caught Nicholas pulling at her nipples.  

Anyways, Kayla is a “mosier”.  She mosies here and there...Waddling around, taking her time.  She knows no boundaries and thinks that everyone loves her, so everyone’s yard is HER yard.  

Backing up….DOG OFFICER.  He talks to Chris and informs him that a “neighbor” complained about “2 pugs” being in “his” yard and “going to the bathroom”.  The (as I like to refer to him) DOG CATCHER then hands Chris the leash laws and all that.  Chris explains the situation that we are dealing with and the DOG CATCHER is actually understanding and nice.  Luckily our dogs are all current with their shots are are registered with the town and all that.  We’re legit (which actually, isn’t typical of us...Usually we “forget” to do things like this….But we really ARE trying to be good citizens..) Anyhow, the DOG CATCHER leaves.

And I am WICKED MAD.

Who the heck called the freaking DOG CATCHER?!?!??! 

A COWARD that’s who….I mean really! If you have a problem? Please come to us like a REAL neighbor and TALK to us...Are we scary?..Wait..Don’t answer that...quite possibly we are as we lit off fireworks in our driveway last Fourth of July and next door neighbors got all in a tizzy.  Opening up his door and glaring.  And turing on his front light.  Geez.

So this is what I’m dealing with now.  I know that Gracie followed Kayla into someone else’s yard who is a coward to not come to us to tell us that they have a problem.  HECK! WE had NO IDEA they were out of the freaking YARD! ARGH!

And I have NO IDEA who called.  

So now? I’m a bit obsessed.  I’ve gotten just about nothing done today because I keep stopping by every one of my windows and throwing daggers out of my eyes and glaring at each house I can see.  I probably look like the crazy cat lady or something.  I’m the crazy pug lady.  

I had to roll the trash barrel out to the corner of the driveway.  First, I was looking for signs of poop outside of our yard, and second?  I was throwing as many dirty looks as possible to as many houses as possible.  I quite possibly looked a bit insane...Madly insane.  Hope it scared "him".  

I think I’ve narrowed it down to 2-3 houses as potential targets, although now? No one can be trusted.  And also? No more misses nice guy. I’ve NEVER called the cops on anyone for anything.  But now?  ALL BETS ARE OFF.  You’re doing work inside your house? You better have a permit.  You're burning brush? Better have a freaking permit.  Yelling? That’s domestic.  I’m calling the cops. 

You think dog poop in your yard is bad? What about a smoldering diaper on your porch?

Or fireworks at midnight? 

I never knew that 2 pugs could cause such havoc! 

Also...I'm taking suggestions on how to walk 2 pugs in Arctic New England with a 1 and 2 year old.  WITHOUT killing myself on the ice and snow or WITHOUT killing my children of frostbite.

25 Random Things

OK...So there's this "chain letter" going around on Facebook, and because I am the QUEEN of Facebook, I found it necessary to participate.

Remember those "chain letters" when you were in second grade that came in the mailbox and you almost peed your pants because you actually got "mail"? Yes, well I still get excited at the pretty "thank you notes" and "invitations".  Besides the point, when in grade school, one would have to send the "chain letter" to work with either mom or dad so they could "ditto" it off and you could then send it to your posse via snail mail.  It was rather exciting.  Especially when people in school were all up in it.  "Did you get your letter?"  "Oh Yes! My mom is copying it at work...And I'm going to send it tonight."

Or you could have grown up in a town like mine where some kids had it good. "Yeah...My dad is having his secretary laser copy it and I gave her the names of the people to send it to..."  uh..ok...I'll be over here licking my stamps and handwriting the names in the "Dear so-and-so" part.  

Anyhow...These are my answers to Facebook's latest chain letter.  It's "25 Random Things".  The list should be of things that people may or may not know about you...I did pass it on to some on Facebook, but thought it would make a great RANDOM post...Especially while I waited in the car for Chris to come out of Best Buy this afternoon....I also took some RANDOM pics. heh heh (ignore my double chin...Crack down is February 1st)

1. I am addicted to products 2. I am a shoe whore 3. One of my favorite places in the world in the beach (any kind), yet I hate being gross and sandy. 4. I hate horror movies (especially when weird things happen to eyes or voices..Then I REALLY freak) 5. I love going out to eat. 6. I have a love/hate relationship with working out and staying fit. I love feeling fit, but hate the effort..But once I get motivated, I can do anything. 7. I have 2 children..And yes...They are 17 months apart..Irish twins..No. Not planned tht way. heh heh. Why would I WANT to torture myself? 8. I love when one of the babies reaches for me to pick them up and is instantly quiet and soothed. I feel overwhelmed with love and "mommyhood". 9. I have learned who my true friends are. Whatever. There was a severe amount of pain and confusion involved, but I am so much happier. 10. I have one BFF and think that our friendship has survived a lifetime of trials and two lifetimes of ridiculousness. We're ludicris and insane. 11. I love looking at snow, but HATE playing in it or going outside and getting my clothes wet. Am I meticulous? Heck yeah. 12. I drive a Jeep and would NEVER own or be seen driving a MINIVAN. Although I did learn to drive in a minivan...which we proceeded to call the "party wagon". 13. I love feeling feminine and being girly. 14. I read like it's going out of style. I rip through books kinda like I do money. hee hee 15. Maybe I should address that--I LOVE spending money..If it could not be attached to guilt, that would be great. 16. I have 2 pugs. but one lives with my mom and dad because she is insanely afraid of the children and noise...And is constantly harassed by the other one. 17. I am Britney Spears' biggest fan (yup....and going to her CONCERT!!! March 26th BABY!) 18. I am choosing to ignore this coming birthday. No celebrations for turning 30. I will be in bed with a book. 19. I am a night owl and a GRUMP in the morning. Seriously. Don't talk to me before my double shot of espresso...Or 3 cups of coffee. 20. My favorite color is green, but I wear a ton of white and pink. 21. I adore ethnic foods..And LOVE to try new things. 22. I LOVE to DANCE. I am a big believer in "dancing it out". Have a bad day? "Dance it out." Need a question answered? "Dance it out". 23. "Sometimes you gotta go through the pain to experience the joy....This too shall pass." I am a firm believer in this (even though it's said by P. to-the-Diddy) 24. I despise talking on the phone...Unless it's gossip. HA! Or someone who really needs a friend...But small talk? Ick. 25. I covet all things preppy. Polka dots, argyle, plaid..Monogrammed..Be still my heart.

Your TURN! Tell me something RANDOM...Or you could leave me out on a limb..

Choose This....Or That

Ok...It's time to play a game.

It's called "Choose This...Or That".

Easy.

Your choice:

5 minutes of being locked in a dark box with bamboo shoots under your nails...

Or 5 minutes of this:

"Mommy! Need go potty!!!!"   Rush into room to pull down Nicholas' pants and sit him on potty....Mid sitting him on potty....

BANG! CRASH!

Rush into kitchen...Cambria dumped jade plant (pot and all) onto kitchen floor and was playing in the dirt and plucking off the leaves.  "NO CAMBRIA!"  Grab her and walk her (with dirty hands and feet into living room as NIcholas screams "MOMMY! MOMMY! POTTY!" (He won't potty without an audiance)

 

Sit down next to potty while Cambria swaggers over to potty with dirty hands..Touching ALL furniture in her way.

Look over to corner of room where dog is in "poop stance"...."NOOOOOO GRACIE!"  She poops.

Cambria swaggers over to steaming pile of poop while I try to outrun her. "NO TOUCH!" I scoop it up and quickly throw it in the toilet.

"Mommy! I peed! I peed!"  Nicholas yells.  I look over in time to see pee shoot out from the front of the potty and all over the towel in front and see it reach the Oriental carpet (I walk over to the closet to grab the cleaning supplies...First for the dog, then for the rug)

Nicholas gets up from the potty and in the process, drops a Matchbox truck into the bowl.  "Oh no, Mommy!"  He reaches in and picks it up dripping.

"NO! Nicholas! Let Mommy clean that up!"  I grap the truck with a Lysol clean-up and try to ignore the instinct to bleach my son's hands, instead run him over to the sink to wash.

Forget pee is STILL in potty.

Walk back into room to find Cambria swimming in the urine.

Excellent.

Now I have an extreme amount of urine to clean up, children to disinfect, dirt to sweep, a plant to repot and my sanity to maintain.

THOSE 5 minutes could be from anyday, anytime.  You could take that clip and play it over and over. That's my day. In a nutshell.  (oh! and insert an extreme amount of whining during the entire 5 minutes).

So you pick the five minutes.

Me? I'm taking the bamboo shoots.  At least I know it has an ending, where as the other 5 minutes??

GAH! 

A Story Through Pictures

Here is a story through pictures: