Mama In Stilettos

Trashy Neighbor

So yesterday I decided that I am one of those "trashy neighbors" that everyone despises.

Picture this:  I was screaming at my children who were throwing rocks into the road (didn't matter that a few cars drove buy and slowed down to give them the 'stink eye'), yelling for my dog who decided to have the run of the neighborhood, all from my lounge chair which was in my front yard.  Oh. And did I mention I was on the phone while all this was happening?  And in short shorts and a tank top (hey. A girl has to catch some rays.  I was starting to resemble a close relative of the Cullen family.)?  AND did I mention that there were toys strewn ALL over my yard like I was holding a tag sale just for kid's toys?  No?  Well, that's how it went down yesterday.  All I needed was a cigarette hanging from my mouth to complete the package. 

My neighbors are going to LOVE me this summer.

Doing It Well

So, today we are SNOWED IN.  Yes, we ALL LOVE New England in MARCH.  Good 'ol foot of snow on my doorstep, mocking me and sucking the motivation out of my bones.  I can literally feel the steely sky reaching down and draining all hope of spring from my body.  My mind is telling me to curl up in the fetal position with my favorite blanket, some comfort food and the remote..Oh waaaaaaait.  That's EVERY day! 

Eventually one day mulls into the other and one snow storm generates another and we get caught up in the typical New England seasonal affectiveness.  

Until you look out your front window and see this:

Your neighbor snow blowing the driveway in HEELS and a SKIRT.

Now...Everyone knows my obsession with all things involving heels, stilettos, wedges, platforms...And the list continues...But this?  This freaked me out a little.

There she was moving that snow blower up and down her driveway (which has a little grade to it) all while slipping and sliding in 4 inch HEELS.  And the wind was whipping her coat around her body to reveal a winter white (god, I hope it was winter white WOOL, and not linen, or this? Is a sad, sad story)

The snow was blowing back into her face and hair giving her dark hair a spray of white and her face an uncomfortable shade of red.  But there she was, working that snow blower like I've never seen anyone work a snow blower before.  She looked like she was trying to win some sort of race.  Slipping up the driveway and sliding back down all while manuevering this red piece of machinery in front of her like she OWNED it.  Like she was trying to TAME it.  Maybe she was embarassed to be out there in the first place and wanted the pain of embarassment over as quickly as possible.....Or maybe she was extremely pissed to be out there in March while she has 2 (yes, 2) teenage SONS (she's divorced) who should have been pulling their weight by clearing the driveway.  Especially since one of them has a BRAND NEW CAR (how he got this SPORTS car? I don't even want to GO there...All I can say? Is that there are rumors...)And she was driven by pure madness.  I don't know.  All I can tell you is that she cleared that driveway in a quarter of the time it took my husband to clear ours.  And (sorry hon) she looked darn good doing it.  Freaky...But she pulled it off.

I'd like to see some of those men out there harrow the weather and clear the driveway with a snow blower in HEELS and a SKIRT.

HOLLA!

The Great Lakes

So far I have had three, yes, three LAKES in my basement.  One was from the water heater blowing up, one was from the genius decision to unhook a "sub-pump" (because what in the heck was it doing anyways?).  Well, the pump was PUMPING water AWAY from my basement from another pipe ( I know..I can be quite technical). 

This lake appeared this morning from yet ANOTHER hose I decided wasn't doing anything.  Apparently it was doing SOMETHING, or there wouldn't be another water park in my basement.  Again, I had unhooked this hose from the pump.  Now that I know how everything works, I think that I am a certified plumber and can generally fix a water leak anywhere in the house.  I know all of the shut off valves and I know how to use a "sub-pump". 

But who needs this?? I figure that since the neighbors are not living up to my expectations of cultivating a tropical oasis, whether it be winter or summer (it seems to not matter to them, anyways), I should take the lead.  I will turn my basement into an indoor swimming pool.  Believe me.  It wouldn't take long to fill up with all of my problems lately and the hot water heater should keep the water quite tepid.  I could install tanning lamps from the ceiling so we could tan and have that "glowing, beachy" look.  I could even throw a few fish in there.. Nah.  Fish creep me out.  My stairs could be a waterslide into the new tropical paradise.  Throw a few ficus trees down there, some of those pink garden flamingos, and a few floats.  BAM!  Bahamas in New England. 

Plus, I figured, with all this water, if you can't beat 'em. Join 'em

Pool Watch 2008 (Continued)

So here's the weekly update on the pool situation. My neighbors have NOT closed the pool yet (although it is below freezing just about every night now). And I haven't seen Ebay deliver anything resembling a "do-it-yourself hot tub kit" along with a portable heater. So a hot tub is almost certainly out of the question. Right now it is looking as though either they are draining some water from it, or someone stuck a knife in the side of the pool and it is deflating (It wasn't me!). The truth is buried at the bottom of the pool..Laying under a film of mold and algae. It is no longer an oasis, but a disaster area that looks ghetto and condemned. I am about to get some yellow police tape and rope the area off as some sort of crime scene. A pool died here.

Although...If they do so choose to keep it up still?? Past Halloween when I throw glow sticks into it? I think they may be hosting the neighborhood's First Annual Polar Bear Swim!!

POOL WATCH 2008

So after some email and chatter, I will begin POOL WATCH 2008 (but with my luck, they will close the pool this weekend..oh well).

Luckily, I have FULL VIEW of their pool.

So, the pool is green, but not AS green as it was yesterday (yes, I should have taken a pic yesterday). Why?? The neighbor was seen throwing a bag of chemicals into it at approximately 9pm last night when I pulled up into my driveway and my headlights flashed into their backyard. At first, I though it was another prankster, like myself, who might possibly be throwing compost into the pool, but no. There was the distinct smell of chlorine in the October air. Why is he still chlorinating it?? Are they planning on using it for a hot tub this winter and are awaiting a portable heater complete with jet system to install?? I am boggled.

Again, notice the "solar cover" laid out to the right of the pool, collecting leaves. We live in New England. Are they planning on using the solar cover to haul leaves into the woods?

My husband was ranting about the leaves in out yard last night (we have a gazillion). We was asking "where are we going to put them all??" How are we going to collect them? WHY do we have so MANY leaves?"

My answer? Borrow the solar cover to haul the leaves and dump them INTO the pool. Hey, I don't think they would even NOTICE, since you could RAKE the bottom of their pool already.

UPDATE: For the record?? I HATE politics. BUt I simply could not resist this website.
Sarah Palin 4 Prez.
You can "Click" on everything in the picture!! C'mon! You know you want to try it!